Everything About This Scares Me, But I’m Going To Love You Anyway

I’m sorry, love.

This might come as a surprise to you. What am I sorry for? If I were to be honest, I’ve been holding myself back from you. I haven’t really given you as much of my love as you deserve, as what I should. I’ve only been loving you halfway.

But I refuse to love you halfway anymore.

There was a point in time where I was fearless in the way I loved. Full throttle, all in, some might even call it reckless. I didn’t portion out my love, but allowed it to overflow and spill wherever it landed. There was a certain beauty in it, and I remember it well. Now, the way I love comes out differently. It’s laced with hesitancy and skepticism, a love that says “I want to give you all, I just can’t right now.” The kind of love that takes two steps on the right direction and 3 steps back. What should be an incredible dance between the two of us turns into a game of the hokey pokey- one foot in, one foot out.

And oh darling, you just don’t deserve that.

Some people might say that line and follow it up with a, “You deserve better, you should find someone else.” That’s not where I’m going with this, darling.

You do deserve better, and instead of bowing out, I’m stepping up. I’m choosing to love you fully, because you don’t deserve to be half-loved. No one does, regardless of if the reasons are selfish or out of fear of being hurt. You don’t halfway love me, and I will do the same by not simply giving you a small part or percentage.

I refuse to love you halfway.

The kind of love that says “I love you” but then holds ghosts from my past against you. Saying “He left me, so you might too.” Using the mistakes that he made, that I made, and measuring you up to the things you might do. I can call it protection, preparation, even caution. I can try to justify it however I want, but at the end of the day it means one thing: I’m not giving you all of me.

I’ll be honest, it won’t be perfect. I’m human and so are you, so of course things won’t always happen the way we plan or expect. Some days my all will only be a little, because my strength will be spent and my mind weary. It won’t be much, but I’ll love you with with all of it anyway. Other days, I’ll be at the top of my game. I’ll be confident with a spring in my step, excited about life and where it’s taking us.

You’ll see all the best parts of me, and I’ll love you with all of them.

I know that you’re more than aware of my struggles in the past. You know the things I’m scared of and what keeps me up at night. You’ve held my hand and reassured me that everything is okay and have been persistent when I’ve pushed you away. You’ve loved me fully in every way you’ve known how, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that.

I used to believe that I could only give you a certain amount of love, because giving you too much might mean heartbreak for me. I didn’t see how it would be possible to love completely again, especially now that my first instinct is caution and resistance. Now I see that I can still be cautious without holding back. I will still be afraid, and I won’t always get things right, but that fear can be faced one step at a time. Love casts out fear, and loving half way just won’t do.

If I could go back I time and somehow love you first, I would. Life didn’t work out that way though. I say that my love has to be different now because of pain, but truthfully it doesn’t. I can still love you fully-the difference is I’m a little more scarred now. I’m a little more broken than I used to be. The great thing about being broken is it gives you a chance for your heart to expand, to grow. Eventually I won’t be broken anymore, and I hope you’re still by my side when that day comes.

But starting today, I choose to love you fully, in all of my brokenness. Because you are worth it. You always have been.

It’s about time I start showing you.