Something About You Makes Me Less Afraid Of Forever

Marriage is a scary concept. You know that, right?

Among the “I do’s” and wedding cakes, among the decorations and the gown, among the smiles on everyone’s faces captured forever in photographs, there is more.

There is forever. That’s a long time.

To some, that sounds comforting. Someone to spend every day with, to start a family, to grow old with. In beautiful times and terrible ones. Someone to call their own for the rest of their days.

To some, the concept is preposterous. Marriage? Only one person for the rest of their life? Someone to grow bored of, someone to answer to? Why have one when we can have more? Or why even get married-it’s only a piece of paper anyway.

Then there are the others. The ones who want marriage, but are scared of it. The ones who daydream about their future weddings but balk at talk of a ring. The ones who have thought of their future children while cringing at the thought of pregnancy. The ones who have looked at their relationship and want to keep it forever, but hesitate at the steps to keep it there.

Because marriage is scary. It’s a blend of fears and goodness. It’s never truly knowing what is going to happen in your life, but you trust someone so much that you want to claim them forever. It’s knowing there is a chance of feelings fading and love lost, but you are saying you won’t give it up, regardless of what may be the easiest.

I’m scared of marriage. Not because I don’t like it. No, I love it. I’m scared because trust is a huge part of it. I almost married someone I could never truly trust. Then I took time to try non-committal relationships and realized I didn’t want that either. I want a forever kind of love.

I can trust me. Can I trust you?

And can I even trust me? Can I speak for myself 5 years from now? 10? I don’t know what she will think or feel. I don’t know if she will still want the same things. I still trust she will want forever, because she always has. Despite her restlessness, despite her need for wings, despite her curiosity, she has always wanted a place to call home. Never in a building. But in a heart.

The funny thing about you? You make me feel better about the idea. I’m still working on myself. Yet the idea of forever with you, seems better than a life with anyone else. Hell, I’m not looking for anyone else.

Something about lame jokes and kind gestures.

Rap music and Patriots games.

Youth ministry and Uptown NYC.

Something about coffee and dressing up.

Something about blue eyes and strong hands make me feel like my heart is at home with you.