All She Wanted Was Time

With every ending, you find yourself at a new low.

Not necessarily because of the guy, the time, the place, the way it’s handled, or the seasons and how they may or may not have changed between, it’s just the way that your heart feels when all is said and done. And you have a choice to make.. To continue to keep him around or let him go.

Is it disappointment that you feel in your tears as they come pouring out to no end? Is it pure despair that you feel with every sip of whiskey that you drink? Is it anger that you wish you could feel for him not understanding what you’ve wanted all along? Is it hurt that you feel with every beat of your heart that hurts so bad inside? Or is it something so much deeper, bubbling below the surface, boiling over to no end.

You begin to learn the signs even before it happens. The delay between communication. The lack of fun in the tone. The way he stops trying to spend time with you or asking how you are. The anxiety that begins to build within you that you can’t push away. And then, of course, the dreaded, “We need to talk” moment we all know and fear. The ignorance that he has when it comes to you knowing what he is already going to say.

..But just for that one second, you believe that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.. that brief moment in time.. you take that chance and you believe. You put it out there to the universe.. And think. He is actually going to be the one who is willing to take that chance on you. He is going to be the one that is okay with taking that leap into getting to know you. He is going to be the one to break that dreaded ten-year curse that the last one put on you and give you the happiness you deserve. He is going to be the exception to the rule.

And then the world turns dark.. The words slip off his whiskey tongue so easily. You can see the moments you had slipping from his eyes as the tears stream down your face. You’re not the one he chose. You’re not the one he is willing to put a title on. You’re not the one he even wants to associate the word ‘date’ with. He isn’t ready for whatever he thinks you want and his mind is made up. He still wants you to be there for him as a friend, and yet, he wants you to hate him.

Because you deserve a good guy. You deserve better than him. He isn’t good for you and he is told you and proved that to you time and time again. He doesn’t believe he is a good guy and you deserve more than you have been settling for. She has heard that all of her life, yet no one has shown her better than the ones who break her like so. She is so tired of hearing she deserves better than the one she wants. She is so tired of hearing that someone isn’t willing to take a risk on her like she is on him. She is so tired of having men tell her they aren’t ready for what she is looking for when in return, they’ve never asked her what she is looking for in the first place. Especially with this one.

He was different. She knew he was. He was the one she could so easily talk to. Easily be herself around. Not afraid to let herself get to know or drop food on herself around. She could easily have one too many drinks and know, he would be the one that would safely take her home. She didn’t ask for much. In fact, she didn’t ask for anything at all. All she wanted was time. Time with him. Time to prove herself. Time for something to potentially build. And yet, she put a label where he wasn’t ready to and that was all she will be able to associate with this ending.

It will keep playing back in the back of her mind. If I didn’t say we’re dating, we wouldn’t be here. If she didn’t jump the gun, she wouldn’t be in this position and alone. If she didn’t rush whatever they had, she wouldn’t be forced to make this decision of friendship or nothing. If she didn’t care about him, she wouldn’t find herself writing like this like she did just a few months ago. When he did this before. If she didn’t give him that second chance.

She will continue to go over the what ifs in her head because she knew what she was getting herself into. She knew he was a flight risk. So hard to hold. He would build her up, but she would never be in control. He made it so easy to trust him this time around. It made it so easy for her walls to come crumbling down. Except the one around her heart. She knew it needed extra protection this time around and for that, she is proud.

But when it comes down to it, she feels a whole new low. Not for her heart, that she so preciously guarded this time around. Not for her gut, that she knew was right all along, but still disregarded in hopes that it was wrong. Not for her ego that is so bruised yet again. Maybe her pride. It took another hard blow and still somehow manages to survive. But most definitely for that little girl inside of her who keeps believing that this time will be the last time. That someone will be willing to take that chance. To stick around long enough to see all the good things she has to offer on the inside.