Waking Up With Bipolar Disorder
I must be real still, or a ghost, or a fallen angel. You can pick, it changes sometimes daily when I am not properly treated.
Did I tell you about the time I got lost at sea?
What about the time I left myself at the hospital?
What about the time I got lost in space?
Once I woke up, newly single, hardly breathing and with a hope to see Austin, Texas or find god, maybe even myself along the way and maybe even get to OKC to see my mother and brothers.
If I was being honest I was going there to kill myself. If I would’ve succeeded, this story would end today but either I made it or hell looks just like a hospital still. It even smells the same.
This time I actually left the hospital with the doctor’s permission. And I didn’t crash the car again, I know how that ends. I’ve been playing this game for over a decade now. I have yet to win. Whatever that means.
I’m in over my head in the hospital again. This year I missed my birthday, christmas, new years– all of it. Fuck yeah… time to celebrate my social death, yeah that one again.
Where do I go from here?
What choices did I leave myself with that aren’t dying…
So,
To Paris?
To hell?
To the supermarket?
Home to dads?
I don’t feel bad for losing myself for the holidays,
I feel bad for my son not having me. How could I get so very lost?
I have Bipolar Disorder.
That’s how.
Now how do I tell people that?
Stop trivializing it, if you haven’t lived it or with it don’t call anyone Bipolar.
At what point in what conversation do I mention that I have been struggling with my mental health since I was 11. I honestly think that it’s been a lot longer than that but that’s a different story.
I must be real still, or a ghost, or a fallen angel. You can pick, it changes sometimes daily when I am not properly treated.
Yes I have triggers, no they are none of your business.Your business is to stop treating every person with a mental illness differently than anyone else.
I don’t want or need your kid gloves, safe words or help with activities of daily living. I need the world to educate themselves on serious mental illness and the affects it has on the people who battle with it every day. 
