How To Not Ask A Guy Out
Start feeling pangs of nervousness when you’re riding on the city train to the location where you know the guy is. Ask yourself over and over again, “Am I really going to do this?” Close your eyes and picture using different lines to get at the same point: “Hey, are you free tonight?” “Hey, do you maybe want to get a drink some time?” “Hey, I’m on my way to get a drink, do you want to join me?” Giggle out loud to yourself. Open your eyes to everyone in the train car looking at you. Feel your face cringe with embarrassment like you have been exposed. Close your eyes again.
You’ve gotten off your train stop now. Start to worry about everything that could go wrong. He could say, “Sorry, I’m busy. Can’t.” Or “Sorry, I am actually kinda seeing someone.” It doesn’t matter; anything he says to the negative of what you want and hope for will be interpreted as not being interested in you. It will bruise your ego; maybe worse. Now you can hear your heart beating faster and faster. You can feel your palms getting sweaty. You’re not exactly running away like last time, but you’re not convinced that today is the right day, and that right now is the right time. Start walking more slowly.
As you approach where he is, look inside without entering. You can see him, talking to someone. Walk past. Stop when you are out of his view but still at a close distance. Walk past again but not inside where he is – walk inside the store next door. Pretend you’re just looking around. Call a friend. She doesn’t pick up. One minute late, she calls you back. Tell her you want to ask a guy out and need a pep talk. Wonder why you called her when she’s not your “pep talk” friend. Hang up the phone. Get out of the store and walk past where he is again.
Feel like you want to scream because you’re being a coward and you hate being coward. Just keep walking along the block now. Call a different friend, one of your friends who is great at giving pep talks. She doesn’t pick up. Leave her a funny voicemail. Go into a grocery store. Call another friend. Tell her what you want to do. Listen as she builds you up and give you suggestions. Hear the excitement in her voice. She knows you never do this. Talk with her in the grocery store for fifteen minutes. Eventually buy some chocolate on your way out. Eat all of it.
Start walking back to where “your guy” is. But hang out on the street corner instead. Wonder if everyone thinks you’re a hooker because you keep pacing up and down street corners. You’re still on the phone with your friend. Now you’re talking about other things but in your head, you’re deciding whether to go to where he is and make the biggest fool out of yourself or to just go home. Walk around another block again. Feel yourself lose confidence. Decide that he probably left. Go home.
When you reach home, hit your head on the door gently several times before you open it. Tidy up and get ready for bed. Scold yourself out loud for once again being a coward. Wonder why girls expect guys to “have the balls” to do this. Pause for a moment and gain a deeper appreciation for anyone who has ever had the courage to ask you out. Think about the guy. In your head, picture how good a time you would have together. Sigh. Lie in your bed. Close your eyes. Wonder what he’s doing right now. Wonder about everything that could be, should be, and would be. Tell yourself you’ll try again next time.
Repeat this all over again, next time. 
