26 Things I Wanted To Say To The Loud Girl On Her Phone At Starbucks

I will give you $75 to stop calling people.

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  1. Please, I beg you, shut up.
  2. Must you use Starbucks as your personal living room?
  3. The only reason why I’m not moving away from you is because there is literally no other spot but this one and I’ve already been to three other coffee shops.
  4. Your laugh makes me want to punch puppies.
  5. Did you decide that today was the day that you would make a phone call to every single person on your phone?
  6. Are you oblivious to all the dirty stares that everyone is giving you?
  7. No one and I mean no one in this place cares about where your next apartment is going to be.
  8. I will give you $75 to stop calling people.
  9. I will buy you a Starbucks treat and coffee for an entire week if you shut up.
  10. You’re wearing 8 different colors right now and it’s not fabulous. Also, could you stop talking?
  11. You know that person who everybody hates because they’re loud and obnoxious but they think they’re cool? You’re that person.
  12. Are you on the phone with your therapist?
  13. WHY MUST YOU TALK IN CAPS?
  14. Your life is not that interesting.
  15. Your voice hurts my brain.
  16. Congratulations! You’ve surpassed Kim Kardashian as my least favorite person on the planet.
  17. Emotional IQ really isn’t your thing, is it?
  18. The baristas despise you too.
  19. Are you always this inconsiderate?
  20. Don’t take this the wrong way but you’re a really terrible person.
  21. Has anyone ever told you that your voice is the absolute worst?
  22. What have I done to you to deserve this?
  23. If you say, “OMG” one more time….
  24. Are you actually on the phone with anyone?
  25. I apparently need to work on my bitch face.
  26. Today is one of those days that I’ve lost faith in humanity. You are the reason.