Kitty Fitzgerald

“He sat on me and farted. On purpose.”

You’re just so full of joy and a warm, fuzzy feeling has taken over your body. You must contact everyone you care about to let them know:“i loooveeee youuuuuuuuu.”

I will not numb my emotions and normalize something like this. And you shouldn’t either. This isn’t politics as usual. This is something we should all fear.

Do you know how many times we’ve gone down on hairy men with dank ass balls?

But you and I, we were something. You understood me in a way I hadn’t experienced before. I didn’t have to explain. I didn’t have to hide. You just got it.

Chardonnay: You always make your boyfriend watch The Bachelor with you.

Friendship is not a consolation prize. Some people are not going to like you. Attraction is not always mutual.

Red wine: You’re incredibly sensual. Like, you probably listen to Prince all day long in preparation for a date.

He keeps his nails trimmed. Nobody wants to hook up with someone who has hands like those claw arcade games.

They don’t try to minimize their sexuality. They feel 100% in control of their bodies, their pleasure, and feel zero obligation to hide either of those things from the world.

Didn’t pay any of your bills and credit score has now dipped pathetically low? DON’T WORRY. It was Mercury!!!!!

Pisces are charming in such an organic way. It’s kind of hard to not fall in love (or lust) with a Pisces. They’re flirtatious, but not purposefully.