Things You Should Do Instead Of Going To Work Today

In the midst of completing my first year in the “real world” and working for a Fortune 100 company, I have something to say:

Life’s too short to not take completely healthy sick days.

Also, chances are your job — yes, Fortune 100 jobs included — is not nearly as important as you think it is. Let me briefly clarify: real sick days should be taken, well, whenever you’re really sick. Seriously, stay the eff home. I can promise you that none of your coworkers care how dedicated or tough you are for coming to work. We all think you’re an idiot for not taking a sick day and an a-hole for coughing all over the office. Way to go sneeza-saurus-rex, you douche. That’s actually exactly what the rest of the office is thinking, verbatim. “Well that report isn’t going to run itself, you know!” Actually, it’s the 21st century and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it just might. You know what else I’m going to bet on? That nobody even reads your stupid report. Maybe they scroll over it, but it probably DOESN’T EVEN UN-BOLD in 97% of recipient mailboxes EVER.

So anyway, my point is that we should all be taking completely healthy sick days here and there to avoid both being the office jerk and staying in what my roommate likes to call “auto-pilot,” where we blandly exist and maneuver through the daily grind, purposeless and un-intrigued by anything. Why wait until we’re actually sick and exhausted to skip out on work? That just seems like a lose-lose situation to me, so I’ve thought of a few of the best, albeit unorthodox, ways to successfully reboot your system.

First and foremost,

Lie in bed and masturbate ALL. DAMN. DAY.

Or, at least for an entire morning — what better way to wake up, right? I mean, unless you count actually having sex, but that involves another human being, and then we’d have to take this article on a whole ‘nother tangent that we simply don’t have the time for. Regardless, there isn’t a single person who hasn’t done this or at least thought about doing this. And so, friends, here’s your chance. Similar to an all day spa cleanse, multiple back-to-back orgasms can do wonders for the mind, body and soul. If everyone in the world got down with their bad self just once a week, we would have no wars. Fact. So go on and let your freak flag fly high for an entire day. Keep your bedroom door open and your laptop volume on high and press play on your favorite and dirtiest porn. Girl-on-girl? Guy-on-guy? Face masks and public humiliation? Hey man, don’t worry; no one’s home. And remember: you’re doing this for world peace.

Read something you want to read for once, and on actual paper.

We have evolved over the course of thousands of years only to stay seated with our shoulders slouched, blindly staring at a one-dimensional screen of dull light for one-third of our day. We fervently watch numbers ticking along the bottom of a television screen or spend hours a day copying and pasting data from one excel chart to another. Maybe we even scroll over sneez-a-saurus rex’s douchey report. Point is, we read so much and learn so little.

So, I don’t care what’s on your parchment paper, but sit back in that big comfy reading chair with your morning coffee (complete with baileys and Jameson) and read something NOT on a screen. Skim through your favorite classic, re-read an old love letter, or even whip out some Edgar Allen Poe and get #deep. For those of us who aren’t intellectual enough to own any three of those items, also acceptable are People magazine, anything by Chelsea Handler, and even the newspaper if you really must. As long as you are flipping pages instead of clicking pages, we’re set. Besides, you’re going to be spending all of your allotted screen time on the porn marathon, anyway.

Take part in alternative exercise.

I’m not talking about zumba. In fact, I would never publicly advise anyone to take zumba — but that’s just me. Formerly known as “life,” alternative exercise includes activities such as walking. Perhaps to the corner store for some milk and eggs, or perhaps to the liquor store for that Baileys and Jameson (this is a judgment-free zone). Walk anywhere you want and just enjoy the privilege of it. Additionally, we will accept laughing in this category.