27 Thoughts You Have Before Noon On Monday

1. No.

2. Death to you, Alarm.

3. I will SNOOZE you. 

4. I will DO IT AGAIN.

5. I’ve been hitting snooze for 54 minutes. I should probably get up and be a person. 

6. When was the last time I showered? Two days ago? Eh, good enough.

7. Why don’t I have a butler who will bring me banana pancakes on a silver tray?

8. I guess Special K will have to do. 

9. I hate that I’m the kind of person that eats Special K. 

10. Time to drink 11 cups of coffee. 

11. Maybe I can take a quick nap while I’m brushing my teeth. 

12. Today is not the day to wear dress pants. Or pants in general. Today is the day for leggings disguised as pants. 

13. If I have to speak to anyone today I will be so mad. 

14. When I’m rich and have a personal driver to take me to work, this all won’t be so bad. 

15. I hope the elevator ride up to my office takes a really long time so I can prolong this. 

16. Maybe the elevator will get stuck and I can just sit in here all day and do nothing. 

17. Ah, my desk looks much more depressing than it did when I was prancing away from it on Friday.

18. Good morning, coworker that only speaks in clichés. Yes, I hate Mondays too. 

19. I can’t look anyone in the eye or they will know what I did Friday night. 

20. Why didn’t anyone have the courtesy to bring in donuts? Or a full breakfast buffet?

21. I hate everyone.  

22. Fifteen minutes down. Only 7 hours and 45 minutes to go. 

23. I’m going to work for another 15 minutes and then I’m going to start planning where I will eat for lunch. 

24. Let me just scroll through Buzzfeed for a quick 5 minutes or potentially 2 hours.

25. Where’s my go-to Excel spreadsheet to quickly pull up so I look busy when someone walks by? 

26. Why is it not time to go home yet? 

27. I’m too famous for this.