A Few Crush-Worthy People Who I’d Never Admit To Crushing On

1. There’s this poet with this hair and these eyes and this way with words and this mouth and this style and this existence. And even though we’ll probably never cross paths or be in the same room complaining about how the AC is on too high at the same time, I definitely think something about her is just fucking magical.

2. Maybe in a different life we’d be more than friends. But since we’re in this life and that maybe isn’t relevant in it, I’ll settle for just being the friend who does things like talks to him about his life and tries to help him remember that it’s okay to take care of yourself. Maybe in a different life we’d be more than friends, but I’d rather be his friend in this life than nothing. I’d rather have him in this little bit than not at all.

3. I have a neighbor who is uncomfortably beautiful and whenever he gets into the elevator I immediately scroll through Twitter in order to avoid eye contact.

4. I know he isn’t real, but if I ever had the opportunity to get beer-drunk on an Orange County beach with Ryan Atwood I would walk away with sand in inopportune places and probably 50 shades of pregnant.

5. There’s this stylist at my salon who shaved my undercut unexpectedly the other day and when she even said something as innocuous as, “Hi” I was worried I was blushing so badly she could see it on the back of my neck.

6. Technically, he’s not just a crush he was an almost something. Technically, the “crush” is really an intentionally deceptive way of saying, “I still like you.” Techincally, the only reason that he’s a crush and not a something again is a lack of certainty in things like distance, timing, and reciprocation. Technically, even thinking about him is pointless. But here we are.

7. One time during the spring in New York we slept on his hardwood floor and he held my hand because he knew I was doing that thing where I cry without shaking and my voice stays level even though there were tears running into my ears. And we slept on the floor and he listened when I said “not now” and I hope he ends up the happiest out of anyone.

8. One time during the summer in New York she kissed me in a park to make me stop complaining about how fucking humid it is. I didn’t stop complaining and we ate watermelon in bed and I still stalk her on Instagram.

9. I’ve always had an affinity for bartenders because I think I’ll always be internally 21. So even though I know I was mostly attracted to him because he’s a bartender, he also talked with me about murder for hours and I’ve thought about it/him once a week since that night in November. I wonder if he thinks about me too.

10. He had a stupid car. He said I wasn’t the kind of person you bring home to meet your parents. I still really loved his shoulders and the way his voice sounded in my ear.

11. It was the summer in Montana and I was still smoking because I liked things that were bad for me. And he might have been good for me but I didn’t kiss him back so we’ll never know. But he relit my cigarette and I told him someday he’d make someone very lucky. She is.