21 Things I Very Much Wish I Could Ask My Dog

1. “What’s with the acting like every noise is a death threat and freaking the fuck out? Do you have to sound like the BTK Killer is at the door just because someone is vacuuming?”

2. “Do you love me? How much? And is this love solely dependent on me continuing to feed you chicken that I’ve hand shredded specifically for you?”

3. “What do you do all day when I’m not home? And more importantly, do you miss me?”

4. “If I had a million dollars to spend on you, what would you WANT me to spend it on? My friend Chrissy said ‘Squirrel Reserve’ is a good option, but I would like to know what you enjoy.”

5. “Do you miss people? Like specific people? And would you be okay with me guilting them with this info?”

6. “Why are you staring at me? And why do you just stare at space/the wall with more intention than I’ve ever seen?”

7. “Do you really hate all other dogs? Or is it an act?”

8. “Do you know how snazzy you look after a haircut? Because you look very cute and very snazzy.”

9. “How do you feel about the stereotype that all dogs must hate cats? Do you find that problematic?”

10. “What’s your favorite food? And if I figured out a way to feed you more of it, would you stop going on hunger strikes whenever I’m gone?”

11. “What do you dream about? I know people like, wrote Buzzfeed posts and Tumblr posts theorizing, but tell me what you REALLY dream about.”

12. “WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING CUTE HOW DID THIS HAPPEN OH MY GODDDDDDD???!”

13. “What do dogs say to each other? Do you guys shit talk us? Do you have dog cliques?”

14. “Earlier this fall when you wouldn’t put weight on your foot, how exactly did you hurt yourself? What did you do? Because it happened while I was sleeping and it still really bothers me!”

15. “Do you buy into the idea that dogs take on the personalities of their owner or do you think we were just obviously meant to be?”

16. “Do you have memories? If so, what’s your favorite? Mine is anytime you actually snuggle me and how you always check on me when I’m sick.”

17. “In 2012 you licked my then roommate’s sandwich and proceeded to stare him down after the lick until he conceded and gave you the whole sandwich, how long did you plan out to do that? How premeditated was that attack?”

18. “Who is your favorite person besides me?”

19. “What would be a picture perfect day to you?”

20. “When did you learn to climb on the counters and how did you know to only do it when I’m not around?”

21. “Am I your favorite thing on Earth? (Please say yes because you’re mine <3)