35 Things I Never Said To People That I 100% Should Have
1. “I know you stole my blue heels from that vintage store but it’s okay because I’m the one who accidentally added bleach to your laundry.”
2. “I saw your text. I just didn’t respond.”
3. “The reason no one was excited to meet your girlfriend is because we all knew she’d be gone in a month. WHOOPS. We were right.”
4. “She told me you peed on the carpet. That’s why I don’t like you.”
5. “You broke my heart and you never knew you had it in the first place.”
6. “I said yes, but I didn’t mean it.”
7. “I didn’t say yes. But I didn’t report it.”
8. “I should have reported it and I regret it to this day.”
9. “You can’t handle your liquor as well as you say you can.”
10. “I was very excited to meet you and it made me really sad when you turned out to be an asshole.”
11. “I didn’t invite you to that New Year’s party because I didn’t want to have to kiss you at midnight.”
12. “I’m the one who told everyone you slept with Kevin when he had a girlfriend. And I’d do it again.”
13. “If it wouldn’t get me sued I’d totally tweet your personal phone number. Because you’re an asshole and you don’t deserve nice things.”
14. “I have a crush on you but will never tell you.”
15. “I am so jealous of you sometimes that I have to take a shower just to calm myself down.”
16. “You’re too hot for him.”
17. “You aren’t single because you’re awkward, you’re single because you don’t try.”
18. “I didn’t accidentally burn myself with the curling iron, I did it on purpose and sometimes I still want to.”
19. “Everyone thinks I was in love with you but really, I used you because I never stopped loving someone else.”
20. “I regret spending the night at your place.”
21. “Your cat isn’t cute. I spray him with a water bottle when you aren’t home so he leaves me alone.”
22. “Someone told me you had to have emergency surgery and it didn’t make me happy to know things didn’t turn out well for you in the long run, it made me incredibly bummed and also I hope you’re okay.”
23. “Yeah, I go to therapy and I’m still alive because of it. You’re a dick for making that shrink joke.”
24. “I heard you fart during sex. I know it wasn’t the bed.”
25. “I want my cookware back.”
26. “People don’t like you because you remind them of everything they hope to never be, not because they’re mean.”
27. “I found your girlfriend online.”
28. “I’m not responsible for everyone finding out about the affair, you guys just weren’t very good at hiding it. But I took the blame because you needed someone to be mad at.”
29. “You make me feel like I will never be successful sometimes.”
30. “I didn’t dump you because I needed some ‘me time.’ I dumped you because you have the smallest penis I have ever seen.”
31. “Whenever I go to Portland I have to give someone else my phone because I want to call you so badly it hurts.”
32. “It’s not a panic attack if you’re Snapchatting me during it.”
33. “You looked beautiful on your wedding day. I should have sent a card. I’m sorry.”
34. “I’m still in love with you.”
35. “I steal pore strips every time I come over.” 
