What The Different Condiments In My Fridge Would Be Like As Boyfriends

Sriracha - He makes everything more exciting, more intoxicatingly delicious, but then you wake up the next morning with heartburn and regret everything. He’s the guy you know is going to hurt you but you keep going back for more.

By Kendra Syrdal

Updated 9 years ago, March 25, 2016

Ketchup

Most definitely your high school sweetheart. He’s the guy your mom still talks about in the “how is he doing these days” kind of way that you’ll always have a soft spot for. He’s the one you still call when you’re having a bad day because you know he’s always there for you. When you’re done spreading your wings and trying new exotic things you’ll probably end up retiring together.

Sesame Sauce

Definitely a drunken hookup. He’s the guy that one of your friends suggested you talk to one night when you were super wasted, and you never thought you’d actually be into him. But low and behold, he was pretty great. You always forget about him until you’re kind of desperate, wanting something different, and then BAM. You’re back to your torrid affair for another night.

Mustard

He’s really self-deprecating and you aren’t sure if it’s to be funny or because he actually hates himself.

Ranch Dressing

He’s the good ol’ boy that you decided to test ride after being with one too many bad boys. He holds the door, pays for your drinks, probably still does the “hand across” guard when he’s driving the two of you to dinner and has to slam on the brakes. He’s the “good on paper” guy that girls who go to college purely to find a husband cross their fingers they’ll run into. You end up not wanting him around all the time because he just doesn’t mesh with your life but even after the two of you break up he still texts you “Happy Birthday ☺” because he totally is that nice.

Balsamic Vinagrette

He’s the older guy, the more successful guy, the guy you try to date when you’re ready to “be an adult”. You go to his business parties hoping people will think your Forever 21 dress is designer, and just smile and nod while sipping wine you thank GOD is free while he talks about analytics and attack strategies with other people in suits.

Sriracha

Bad boy. Total bad boy. He’s the guy that you eventually said “ENOUGH” about and left for Ranch. Some of your friends love him; others do not understand what you see in him at all and look at you like you’re crazy when you say you’re meeting up that night. He makes everything more exciting, more intoxicatingly delicious, but then you wake up the next morning with heartburn and regret everything. He’s the guy you know is going to hurt you but you keep going back for more.

Sweet and Sour

Permanently friendzoned. He’s like your little brother. You appreciate and adore how simple he is but he’s never someone you’d take on his own. He’s the kind of guy you try to hook up with your friends because, “He’s so great!” but you never have a solid answer as to why it never worked out between the two of you.

Caramel Drizzle

Not a boyfriend, he is your gay best friend. Always there when you need him to comfort you, especially during a breakup.

Garlic Butter

You would never admit to hooking up with him. Whether it be because he’s SO not your type, or just is not traditionally attractive, still lives with his parents, whatever it may be. He’s your dirty secret. He’s the thing you love getting weird with after midnight and if your friends found out you’d be pretty embarrassed.