The 12 Steps To Opening A Wine Bottle With No Wine Opener

Almost take off a chunk out of your finger when you try to use a knife.

Updated 9 years ago, March 25, 2016

1. Search every nook and cranny of your house for the wine-opener.

It doesn’t matter that you’ve basically undone your entire kitchen when it wasn’t in the drawer you normally keep it in. You are checking the pantry, inside of the pots and pans, in the drawer where you keep everything that doesn’t have a place like batteries, twine, and those rhinestones you bought when you thought you’d actually become crafty. Who knows!? Maybe you put it in the oven!

2. Find the mini Swiss Army knife you happen to have and convince yourself it will work.

That two and a half inch corkscrew will toooootally work on the plastic cork in your classy bottle of Rex Goliath. Doesn’t matter that you’ve been using a levered opener for five years and before that you always stole your roommates electric opener: you’ve got this. Oh wait… You very quickly realize you are being out-stronged by chardonnay and yell a lot.

3. Question everything when you can’t strong arm the cork out.

It’s supposed to just pop out of the top, minimal effort required? Well GREAT. Guess those push ups you do every time you get drunk and feel like being healthy have been for NOTHING. Maybe if you brace it between your feet and pull with your whole upper body? …Nope. Now you’re just pretty sure you almost dislocated your shoulder.

4. Google how to get a wine bottle open sans opener.

You know you’ve done it before, but it’s been so long that you can’t remember how to do it. Is this when people cut the top of the bottle of with a sword? You don’t have a sword…would a dull kitchen knife do the trick if you go really fast?

5. Get a warning from your neighbors to STFU when you try banging it on the wall with a shoe.

So eHow said to put that bottle in the heel of your Ked and give it a good tappity tap on the wall until the force pushes the cork out. Well that’s happened is white wine is dribbling all over those shoes and your chevron accent rug from Target and Mrs. Costello from next door with the yappy Havanese named Joey is knocking on your door with a very unhappy look on her face. Apparently you trying to bang the cork out has sent little Joey into a panic and he is peeing all over her apartment. You need to stop or else. Or. ELSE.

6. Consider giving up when you find an old bottle of rum in the cupboard.

If you just say screw it with the wine until you can go buy a new opener this rum will do fine. You don’t need anything particularly delicious; just to catch a buzz. Wait…how old is this? When does rum go bad? Will this poison you?

7. Almost take off a chunk out of your finger when you try to use a knife.

So you can use a knife with just some force and a subtle twist and it will pull right on out like a high school boy who’s girlfriend doesn’t believe in Planned Parenthood? Okay…seems simple enough. Just staaaaabbbb and….DAMMIT. THAT IS BLOOD. SOMEONE GET THE FROZEN BANDAIDS.

8. Wonder if you can actually use pliers or if you’re just going to injure yourself again.

Option number 14 on eHow is sticking a screw in the cork and pulling that sucker out with pliers, Bob the Builder style. So you can’t find any screws, but you have nails and a pair of pliers from the tool kit your mom got you before you moved into the dorm. Same difference! Oh…not the same. Nope there are tons of little pieces of cork just falling out now. That’s not right…

9. Attempt to cut a teeny, tiny wine hole through the center of the cork.

If you can just make a channel for the wine to get through everything will be okay. You can pour slowly as long as it will pour. Then you slowly but surely realize just how much bigger a cork is than you anticipated and you haven’t made a hole, just made a huge cork mess and clogged your garbage disposal with cork pieces.

10. Push that cork into the wine like there is no tomorrow.

Where there is a will there is a way. Yes, you are going to lose at least a quarter of that bottle to splash and spillage when the metal chopstick you use to finally finish this mission hits that $4.99 wine. Your entire forearm smells like fermented green grapes, but it doesn’t matter! You won. You fought the wine bottle and you won, you beautiful bastard.