You Don’t Deserve My Efforts Anymore

I just wanted to take care of you. I wanted

to sweep your floors, wash your dishes,

fold your laundry. I wanted to have you

warm, home cooked meals ready for you

when you got home from work.

I wanted to be comfortable with you—

have you find me in the kitchen, in my

t-shirt, panties and tall socks, baking

brownies for a late night sweet treat. Be so

into my baking that you sneak up behind me

for a hug that turns into us slow dancing to

Muscadine Bloodline.

I wanted to fight with you just to make up

that same night. I wanted to be the arms

you fell in to after a bad day. I wanted to be

the love that kept your heart safe and your

spirit wild.

It’s not me though, not for you, and that’s

okay. It’s not you for me either.

That burning in the back of your throat, choking

down the tears. Yeah, it’s disappointing.

But it was also disappointing every time

I let you make me feel stupid. It was

disappointing every time I gave in to you

just to become confused.

You know what is not disappointing? I

learned to be more careful. Even

personalities can be deceiving. I learned

you don’t deserve my kind heart, my

warm love, or any of my efforts.

And OH MY GOSH! Do you know just

how free that makes me feel, baby? I

can spend all my time on me. I can give

all of my love to myself, and you know

what? The best part, I can save all of my efforts.

That is exactly what I will do. Save all of

my efforts until someone comes along to

match them. You see, all of things that I

wanted to do for you, they’re reciprocal.

All of those acts and feelings are to be matched.

I hope you find yours— I won’t settle for mine.