Watch This, It’s Gross

The Internet was insensitive to my delicate nature last week.

I’ve been trying to write a bunch of stuff and finish a bunch of things, so in order to do that I have to take frequent Internet breaks where I’ll watch a cocktail of YouTube videos. I’ll search for Lisa Bonet clips, I’ll watch bits of old Barbara Walters specials, I’ll get two episodes into Hoarders, or some other show that everyone’s watching, but I know nothing about because I don’t have cable. It helps to keep my brain thinking, “this is fun. I’m having fun.”

All of this usually keeps my spirits pretty high, but for whatever reason last week kept spitting out videos that made me want to Plath myself. I now find myself asking people stuff like “have you seen that puppy video?” Or texting friends “do you know anything about The Human Centipede?”

I’ll do this out of context. Like I’ll be having a conversation with someone about their graduate school program and then it will just erupt from me. The story I tell the most, the one I can’t stop thinking about, is the puppy video.

Have you seen this? Basically it just shows a teenage girl in a red hoodie, standing by a river (I think it’s in Bosnia or something) with a bucket of newborn puppies next to her. One by one, in a nonchalant way, but with a quickness, like it’s a chore she wants to get over with so she can go to the mall, she plucks puppy after puppy from the bucket and throws them in the river like skipping stones.

Towards the end of the video she even starts going “wheeeee!” Like it’s such fun. Like it’s a normal thing to do. To see these little puppies flying through the air, it’s mentally staining. It’s a brain stain.

The worst part – well not worst, but pretty bad – is that someone is standing there filming this. The string of comments posted underneath the video mostly start with, “I hope that girl …” Wishing her ill, hoping she dies and stuff. A few people even try to argue that the video is fake. But you can clearly see the little puppy butts flying through the air. You can hear them yelp; one of them even smooshes on a rock.

But let’s say that it WAS fake, would that make it any better? What sort of dick hole stays up all night in their smelly room, mastering their MacBook editing software so that they can make a puppy killing video?

And it’s not fake – it’s real. Shortly after watching this video I saw another one where a middle aged lady shoves a cat in a dumpster and closes the lid. This video is inexplicably filmed from above, like someone was leaning out their apartment window just waiting for someone to do something effed so they could film it, and shows a chubby frump dump lady approach a cat, pet it for awhile, and then look around to make sure the coast is clear, and shove the cat in a dumpster and walk away.

This video spawned a bunch of reaction videos, which I also watched on YouTube. One of them is made by a cute little British boy with floppy hair who just can’t believe it. He just can’t believe that a lady put a cat “in the rubbish.” I watched this and felt bad that now this poor kid knows that he lives in a world where people put cats in the garbage can. He suspected it before, most likely. But now he knows.

I stopped horrifying myself on YouTube after watching the preview for “The Human Centipede.” Do you know about this movie? I had never heard of it, and then all of a sudden I started hearing about it all over the place. I watched the preview for it and pretty much wanted to hide under my bed forever. It’s basically about a weird German who decides to kidnap people and sew their mouths to other people’s butt holes. What the eff?? I refuse to watch this whole movie because if I did I’m pretty sure I’d have to be institutionalized, but I did conduct a pretty extensive Q&A with everyone who’s seen it. I mostly wanted to know if the people who get their mouths sewn to butt holes have to eat poop. They do.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX8fKLjC__c&fs=1&hl=en_US%5D

Basically what I learned from this chain of events is that if it’s hinted to me that you can Google a video that shows the most disgusting thing a person could possibly think of, I’ll watch it and then be mortified about it for the rest of my life. I wonder what that says about me as a person? I’ve still never watched “2 girls and 1 cup” though. I refuse.