Kelly McClure

I was ordering video cameras from the Internet and then throwing them in the dumpster once they arrived. I already had a video camera, so I don’t know why I was so partial to this particular electronic device to go nuts with, but I can remember how good it felt to BUY them. I just wanted to BUY something.

If you’re Ryan Gosling, that would be pretty cool. He’s super handsome, and I like the facial expressions that he makes. He kind of looks like maybe he grew up on a farm, and knows how to chop wood and stuff.

I think it’s hot when girls smoke. As long as they don’t LOOK like they smoke. Do you know what I mean? Like if they have yellow teeth and are real stinky, that’s no good. For me the ideal smoking lady looks like Jackie O and just lounges around all day in tight sweaters with a cig hanging from her well-manicured fingers.

The first major difference I came across is the fact that people don’t get up before 11 A.M.. I don’t necessarily consider myself to be some sort of fancy business woman, or professional adult worker, but I have pretty much been waking up at 6 A.M. since I was 13 years old to spend a few hours worrying about going to a job, and then going to that job.

I can remember a time when it was so easy to transition from sitting in a house/apartment/car/parking lot/ bush with someone, probs drinking some Boones Farm and talking about feminism or something to rubbing on each other’s privates. And now it’s like I hang out with a person for 10 hours and am sitting there dumbfounded when, after the 8th Netflixed episode of Gossip Girl, we’re still not naked and “doing the grownup.”

I’m not sure if you know this or not, but I am now a resident of Olympia, Washington. I drove here, via a rental car, from New York and it only took three days because my travel partner and I decided that it would be a great idea to never sleep and just drive until we started hallucinating characters from Where The Wild Things Are in the middle of the road.

Honestly, I was searching YouTube for instructional videos on how to speak Slytherin (or parseltongue loser, as one commenter has already corrected) which is a totally fun and normal thing to do while having coffee in the morning, when I chanced upon this diamond of a video.

The process of me organizing this move has been intense. I’ve pretty much been putting off packing until the last minute, because I feel like no one should have to do actual work on Christmas. (ps. Christmas for me starts on Dec. 1^st.)

Speaking of sex. I want you to like it. I want you to be sort of a perv and not be afraid to do, well, basically whatever I ask you to do. I want you to be strong. I’m strong, and I like to feel a little bit stronger than you, but every so often, take the palm of your hand and push my face to the side and press it down into the pillow – if for no other reason than to show that you can.

I’ll probably spend a great deal of time on the Internet. Being on the Internet is the most fun ever. I don’t care if it’s cool to say “go outside and smell a tree,” or, “It’s nice outside, why stay cooped up inside on the computer?” All I have to say to things like this is: “Because I’m a grown ass woman and I can do whatever the eff I want, retard.”

I got three-week old puppy. What did you get?

As a lady, I can promise you that we spend a great deal of time trying NOT to smell like sweaty ass and vagina, but if you want to, well then …