In 2019, I’m Done Making Myself Small

I whittle myself down until I drown in a world too large for me, shrinking every iota of my being, suppressing every glimmer of my personality. I’m as delicate as glass, on the verge of cracking open with a single gentle prod.

I’m small, insignificant, a nonentity solely because I made myself this way. I forced myself to fill boxes by not filling them at all, remaining silent in the face of injustice, small in the face of largesse, insignificant in the face of significance. I strove never to be “too much,” so I remained too little, enough for the world’s narrow confines, never enough for myself.

But in 2019, I’m done making myself small.

I’m done refusing to sustain my body. I’m done wishing myself away, relinquishing every ounce of my humanity as I sob over my perceived failures. I’m done dangling nourishment before my longing eyes, letting the delectable aromas tease me until my skin grows pale, my gentle curves grow straight, my eyes grow hollow, and my heartbeat grows faint. In 2019, I will seek out sustenance, no longer denying myself the ability to live.

I’m done remaining silent. I’m done softening my voice to a whisper, cloaking myself in an aura of gentility as I struggle to rise above. I’m done withholding my truths, refusing to speak out in the face of oppression, concealing myself behind forced smiles until I crack under the loud, frenetic weight of the world. In 2019, I will speak with conviction, letting my true emotions cascade from my soul like a roaring waterfall tumbling into a gentle stream.

I’m done settling for less than I deserve. I’m done sharing my heart with those who stretch it thin, trampling my spirit into the dust as they squander every piece of my soul. I’m done living to please, allowing myself to bleed as the world unremorsefully, unapologetically leeches everything I hold dear. I’m done believing that I am insignificant, convincing myself that I have nothing more to give, sequestering myself from the opportunity to fulfill my wildest dreams. In 2019, I will recognize my worth, striving to achieve my dreams, refusing to accept use and abuse in a frantic attempt to fill the void that penetrates my soul.

In 2019, I’m done making myself small. I will allow nourishment to fill my body, my voice to fill the room, and my spirit to fill my entire being as I wholeheartedly immerse myself in the space I deserve.