Kelly Catchpole

I am riding a hill slower than you would like me to. I am taking a second to gain momentum at the stop sign. I am doing all of this on purpose, to make you hit me, so you will be late again and it will be my fault.

Maybe you have lost yourself. Maybe you never knew the location of yourself at all.

Eating corn on the cob and getting nothing in their teeth at all. Not even having to check that there is corn on the cob in their teeth. Knowing that theirs is a cornless smile. Being confident in a cornless smile.

I would like to construct for myself a panic room, into which I can retreat during particularly bad spells of social anxiety.

There are no spiders slowly tracing their way across your back.

I am not even sure I need to link the article, guys, because it’s the #ViralThinkpiece of the week, the one that you had to actively try to avoid.

This CSA is designed with the busy-yet-environmentally-conscious customer in mind, as it is based on some things that are seasonal (summer, sun, outdoor activity) and some things which are timeless (loneliness, depravity, the endless cycle of attempt and failure.)

This morning, as every morning, your urine is perfectly clear, like a mountain stream. Recall mornings there, too, in the mountain, by the stream. Mornings. Mountains. Streams. Ahhh

Forsooth: “friends,” classmates, and nonintellectual plebians of this high school. This letter is to inform you that I will not be suffering the senior prom.

It is a widely understood fact that “Earth Day” is a liberal conspiracy. I hope I am not injecting too much personal opinion into this listicle by humbly submitting that I hate Earth Day, and I hate the Earth.

I didn’t watch the Oscars because they celebrate creation, and I can only destroy.

Why not start your own alt-folk band? It is relatively easy to do, and soon you too can be playing sad and barefoot at sold-out stadium venues.