Maybe After All, It’s Her Fault

Maybe it’s her fault. Her mind was caught in a tornado that made everything she thought so messed up. She shouldn’t have thought so much about the future. She should have focused on the present. On what she had. Because in the end, she lost the person that was so important to her.

She lost her Person.

She had never been that happy in her life that’s why she doubted it. She was ruled by her fear that if she would allow herself to be that happy, what would happen to her if she would lose everything that made her happy? She even asked herself if she deserved to have those kinds of days when she looked forward to and was actually excited to wake up and begin a new day because she knew that she would be so happy, not only at the end of it but all throughout.

She asked herself if all the emotions and time that she invested to her Person were all worth it. She tore down all her high built walls. She allowed herself to feel.

You just can’t take it away from her to feel the fear sometimes.

Sometimes.

But this fear crept up inside her and later on consumed her. What if she would get hurt? What if she was the only one who thought that they had this strong connection (not necessarily in a romantic way)? What if she was being fooled? What if her Person would get tired of her? What would happen to her then?

She didn’t want to get hurt. She didn’t want to look like a fool. So what she did was she pushed everything that was so close to her heart that time away and set a boundary. She told herself not to let those things that made her so happy cross that line ever again.

She anticipated things that might happen but did not happen yet. She made decisions that caused her demise. She deprived herself of something that made her feel alive.

She was alive. She was brought to life. But she was the one who killed herself.

She was brave for a time. She let herself go. She relaxed. She opened herself up for experiences that were worth remembering.

But I hope, though, that she was braver. I hope that she was not afraid to jump into the ocean. I hope that she took her leap of faith a little further. I hope that she didn’t stop herself from giving the love that she had so much to give. I hope that she allowed love to wreck her to pieces if it must but piece her all together again when the right time would come. I hope that she let herself be happy just a little longer.

I hope that she know she deserves it. She deserves to be happy. She deserves the love that the people around her want to give her.

I hope she would not get scared of the possibilities of life and that she would take it all as it comes.

I hope that someone out there is capable of loving her. All of her. And I hope that she would let him do just that.