Exactly What I Imagine ‘Westworld’ Is Like Without Ever Having Seen It

Is this a porno? I mean, it has a title like a theme park, but then again, so does Game of Thrones, and you know there are people rubbing one out every time the dragon incinerates a village. The director knows their audience—there’s a lesbian orgy tastefully inserted in the very trailer, which is probably the last time the words “tastefully inserted” will ever be applied to the show.

Okay, fine, let me try to be serious about this. From just looking at what the trailers are telling me, some old git decided to create a virtual reality set where dudes can act out their repressed war fantasies because women are running the world now and there is a need for all that excess violence to be channelled somewhere else. Except the old dude decided to give one of the fuckdolls the face of his dead wife or daughter or FBI jailer, and now he’s disapproving of how his paying customers are treating her.

And for some reason, Freddy Kruger is there to help stage a revolution. I mean, there’s no way that lady straddling a cannon in her underwear is not meant to represent a revolution. Come on!

Wait, the guy from Hannibal is there? Oh, man, someone’s brains are definitely getting served to them at some point during the show. Maybe with a side of buckshot, but don’t tell me they will not find a way to do this. It’s too good to miss.

Just kidding, it’s obvious that someone is trying to score woke points by putting women in trousers and giving them guns and having giant buffaloes mowing down the military. Dolores is getting her white savior fantasy on in season two (I saw your wardrobe choices, girl, it screams Virgin Mary), while her “dark” counterpart leads the revolution though questionable means. Someone probably hacks into the Matrix and bends it to their will, although I am yet to see slo-mo that is as epically as bad as Neo dodging bullets while only bending at the knees.

Oh, wait, maybe I spoke too soon. There’s images of the main characters with kimonos and swords, so maybe someone does learn Kung Fu in a few keystrokes? I mean, the three things have very little in common, but it probably makes as much logical sense as the explanation they do use. Cultural mashups and the excuse of “It’s fantasy!” are as much of a known pairing as fava beans and Chianti.

Om nom nom nom.