I Finally See How You Never Loved Me

I finally see how indifferent you were. How nothing ever seemed to matter to you, or how my words never really resonated. When I was confessing my affections, worries and opinions, you weren’t actually listening to me, you were just hearing me. Now I see how you never made me feel important, like I didn’t matter enough to prioritize, how my presence was take it or leave it.

I finally see your selfishness and need for control. How you made plans and choices with only yourself in mind, never bothering to calculate how those choices might affect those around you, especially me. You never made decisions looking at the bigger picture or the short and long term effects they may have. When you said I was in your life for a reason, that you needed me, you were only trying to maintain control of the situation. You still weren’t done with me because I served some purpose, and you wanted to keep me close.

I finally see how you continuously hurt me. Even though you said you didn’t mean to, even though you said you were sorry. The truth is, there aren’t many people who actually mean to hurt others, unless their nature is one of malice. But the choices you willingly make sometimes result in hurting others. And it is your responsibility to recognize that and make different choices if you care to have a different outcome. Or you may decide you simply don’t care and continue on with what serves you best.

I finally understand that you’re a man who simply does not know how to be on his own. How your insecurity prevents you from carrying on without someone by your side. How you never learned to love yourself and be comfortable walking through life alone. Because of this, you jump from relationship to relationship, going all in the moment someone gives you attention. And so, when I pulled back because I was questioning all of your actions, instead of delving inward and trying to do better, you quickly started looking for a replacement.

I finally see how your words were bullshit. Time with you was the lesson that taught me what matters most is one’s actions, rather the the words that escape their mouth. So many times the logical part of us knows what we should do and what’s good for us, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we follow through on that logic. Intentions and words don’t make up for poor actions, even though we know better. And your actions never matched your words. You watched me cry, swore you’d never hurt me again, and then continued to. Your behavior taught me to only trust actions… thank you for that.

I finally see how you never loved me, contrary to all the times you said you did. I can’t be too upset with you for that, because the sad fact is that you don’t really know what love is. Maybe part of you wants it because you’re so lonely, so you loved the idea of me, of us. But you’ve never been vulnerable enough to let love in, let alone fully love another, and love requires selflessness. I now understand that I cannot allow myself to love someone who doesn’t know what love is because he’ll never love me the way I deserve. And really, how could I expect him to when he sadly doesn’t even know how to love himself?