The Hardest Part About Leaving Is Goodbye

Leaving.

Just that word alone makes me want to cry. As I write this, tears are falling down my face. They’re not happy or sad tears. They’re tears of every emotion I’ve ever felt or made in this town. They’re tears of looking back and wishing I could stay. Wishing I didn’t have to leave. Wishing I had other options.

They’re tears of nostalgia, tears for all the beautiful people I’ve met, all the connections I made, all the memories I get to keep and all the goodbyes I’m going to say. They’re tears simply longing for more time, longing for just one more day here.

I know leaving is coming soon. I’ve put it off in my mind, but in 2 months, this town won’t be my home anymore. I know leaving is what I must do, but that doesn’t make the sadness go away.

Part of me wants to believe that I’m ready to leave. That maybe it’s what I need. I need to go back to my roots, to refocus and become reinspired. Part of me feels that leaving will do me good. It will bring me opportunities I can’t find here.

It’s been a while since I had to leave somewhere. This place has been my comfort. I haven’t had to say goodbye yet. I’ve never been the one to leave. I haven’t mastered the art of goodbyes.

Being here only hurts more. All I can think about is the timeline I have, all the things I will have to let go. I walk in my door thinking, soon I won’t enter that door anymore. I drive downtown and think, soon I won’t be this close to this place. I won’t have this drive to make. Everything reminds me of what I’m losing, what I’m leaving, what I don’t get to take with me. I can’t help but think how soon I’ll be here for the last time.

I’ll be packing up my room and my life into boxes. It’s all going to change. I’m scared that when I leave everything gets to change.

Leaving hurts. Leaving doesn’t always have to be sad, but right now, for me, it is. I wish I could stay. But I’ve spent the past year trying to make ends meet, trying to make things last a little longer.

I’m done trying. I’m over staying. I’m exhausted and tired from it all.

I’ve had a lot of time to feel sad about leaving. I’m finally trying to accept it for what it is. I don’t think about it much, because when I do I get this giant knot in my stomach. My eyes tear up. I don’t bring it up because it hurts too much.

I’m scared of leaving the people behind the most. I’m scared that it’ll never be the same. That when I leave, I lose them too.

I’m leaving because I no longer have the option to stay.

I anticipate the day, where my room is empty, boxes are full, and my life gets to be pulled away in a U-Haul truck.

Leaving, at some point we all have to make the decision to do it, sometimes it’s harder than others.