I Hope Next Time You Decide To Stay

I know one when I see one. I know you. I am you.

I know you’re running. You’re scared that for once something may actually work out. That scares the hell out of you. That keeps you from going and staying too long.

You expect for them all to leave.

You are already gripping the door handle, anticipating their departure. It’s over before it even begins. You don’t fully let them in and you only open up just enough. You’re scared that just as soon as you do, just as soon as your wall comes tumbling down they’ll leave, be gone.

Because they always do.

They always have.

It’s too heavy carrying all these pieces of people with you. People have always let you down. They’ve used their words as weapons. Misguided you, bruised you, defeated you. You can’t afford another loss. You can’t stand to watch another disappointment. You’ll be left standing alone. Playing back all the conversations of a face of the past. You can’t bear another goodbye.

It hurts you. You can’t help but flee. You can’t help but overthink the situation, over analyze their every move. Deep down you want this. You want them, but all you’ve ever known is almost.

I know your kind because I am one. One of the runners, the doubters, the hopeless romantics that see the end before the beginning. I’m already sitting here with the door open, with my heart out on the floor. I’m already anticipating your departure. I’m already waiting for you to leave.

There is a small glimmer of hope that the next time will be better. You’ll be closer, you’ll be ready to stay; they’ll be ready to stay.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t think people leave because of you. Your capacity to love is so grand, so consuming. You have so much to offer, you have the world to give. I hope when you’re ready you give that all-consuming love of yours away. I hope soon they stay.

I hope you decide to stay.

I hope you take your hand off the door. I hope you let your heart be free. Let go of all the ones who hurt you, left you, belittled you. Don’t let them scar you.

You deserve something good.

You are something good.