11 Steps Every Girl Goes Through Before Getting A Haircut

You’re at that point where every time you’re tuning out your annoying coworker or waiting for a Hulu ad to pass you examine the graveyard that is the ends of your hair between your fingertips. You pick at each split end, condition, and de-frizz until there’s simply no denying it: you need a haircut. Here’s the thought process of carrying out this difficult life task:

1. Making an appointment.

Let’s see. I have weddings every weekend for the next seventy years, so those are out. How about before work? Just kidding, I get to work before dawn. My lunch break is only 35 minutes because I’m a teacher, so that won’t do either. Okay, after school. Nope, first, second, and third choices not available. Okay, hmm. Oh! Here’ something. Great. Yes, Monday at 6:15 it is. That’ll be a great way to start my week!

2. The Re-Thinking.

I’ve been sworn at by children, stressed out by grading and angry parents, somehow my closet light is out AGAIN so I literally got dressed in the dark and all I want to do is sleep. I’ll just cancel my appointment. I can go some other time. My hair isn’t that bad. It’s fine, actually.

3. Re-Thinking The Re-Thinking.

See reflection in faculty bathroom mirror. Re-think canceling haircut. Definitely NOT fine. Definitely that bad.

4. Pondering While En-Route.

Drive to appointment. Will self-driving cars help with traffic? Why don’t we have hover cars yet? I would be so bad at driving a hover car. Wait, what if those were self-driving? Why is “Work” the only song on the radio? It really is awful. Hmm. What if I cut my hair like Rihanna? Could I pull that off?

5. Doing Random Things To Keep From Getting Too Nervous.

Alrighty, all checked in, got my tiny minty tea. Oh, let me just peruse all of these products displayed that I can’t realistically afford. What’s the actual protocol on lipstick samples? Do I use this Q-tip? I know, I’ll compare by putting one shade on my top lip and another on my bottom. That’s so smart. Oh! They’re calling me. Maybe I’ll just rub my lips together…nope, that didn’t work. Blot blot blot.

6. The Indecisiveness.

Here we go. Small talk for an hour with a stranger. Somebody just shoot me. “Yes, yes, just a trim. Oh, maybe 1 or 2 inches. I’d like to keep the layers.” WAIT. Now is my chance to make a major life change! Just chop it all off! Bangs! Yes! New me! Oh wait, I look terrible with bangs. And I do have that wedding next weekend that I’d like to have my hair long for. Okay, never mind. Same me!

7. The Utter Relaxation.

THIS. SHAMPOOING. IS. EVERYTHING. Why doesn’t it feel this good when I wash my own hair? Maybe this girl has magic hands. This is so good. SO GOOD. I should really treat myself more often to massages and spa days. I work hard. I deserve it. This is so amazing. Would this girl marry me? Don’t say that out loud.

8. The Beloved Combing.

Combing out hair. If I were a cat, I’d definitely be purring right now.

9. The Hair-On-The-Floor-Semi-Panic.

Man, look at all that hair. I should take a picture of all that and tell my boyfriend I cut it all off. Oh. Someone’s sweeping it up. Guess I won’t be doing that, after all.

10. Discovering The New-You-New-Do Look.

Blow dry. Why doesn’t my hair ever look this good when I blow dry it? Should I get a boar’s hair brush? I mean, I’ve made it 25 years without one. But maybe I should. “No, my part is on the other side. No, the other side. Yes, always. Uh huh, yep. I’m sure.”

11. Feeling Like A Diva.

Schedule appointment for four weeks down the road like a decent human being who takes care of her hair in a timely fashion (cancel that next day when reality strikes). Walk out of the salon like a goddess. I’ve never looked so radiant. I should be a hair model.