Katie Mather

NCIS (seriously). Backstory: I took some career personality test as part of the practice ACT exam (???), and it told me that I should go into law enforcement—which is how I ended up here, over-sharing my feelings on the internet! JK, I decided the only way to know for sure whether I was destined for this was to obviously watch NCIS. I can’t even look at ads for this show anymore because it just makes me think about standardized tests and the stomach ulcer I had in 2011.

Having a crush on someone. ALSO someone having a crush on me. Crushes in general.

A guy with about 400 shopping bags sits down next to me on the 6 and his leg bumps into mine. I dramatically move my legs away to signal that I hate the fact he’s basically sitting on top of me, but he uses it to his advantage and fills up the space. I try to re-download apps on my phone, but Shopping Bag Guy keeps hitting my leg.

Frankly, there is nothing more embarrassing to me than spending time trying to verbalize something crazy you’ve concocted in your head, only for someone to immediately be like, “um, hm, okay. That was kind of dark! How about you just try being neurotypical?”

He still flirts with you, no matter how long you’ve been together. The flirting thing used to be really cute, but why can’t you remember who he voted for? Does anyone else just feel like crying all the time now?

You can stop dating regular men now, because it’s me, your local Sad Boy. I’m here to hold your hand as I agree with you that men really are totally awful—but not me because I’m sad!—and then I’m going to try and change everything about you and be mopey about it when you resist.

Half of the outlets didn’t work and we had a cupboard that specifically housed a nest of spiders that we never properly dealt with and one roommate used a baseball bat to smash our smoke detector when it kept going off and I’ve never been more sad to leave a place.

I spent two weeks without any alcohol—and my head stopped hurting in the morning and I didn’t throw up in any kitchen sinks and I didn’t have to make any phone calls to apologize and I didn’t eat a spring roll while sitting on the floor of my shower and I didn’t ever at all think it was an appropriate idea to FaceTime the guy I used to like three times at 3:34AM. I just felt fine.

Listen up, peasants. I have a fucking succulent on my windowsill now. Do you understand what this means?

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 💸💸💸

I do this horrible thing to myself where, whenever I see the time and/or date, I instinctively check: What was I doing an hour ago? 24 hours ago? A month ago? A year ago? It’s a NIGHTMARE of a compulsive tick that makes me dwell on the past for several moments.

I’ve probably googled the height for every male celebrity there is and I feel like I can confidently say they’re all 5’6.”