Not To Freak Anyone Out — But If This Photo Doesn’t Get 400 Likes, Instagram Is Allowed To Control Me

Hi everyone! I’m DMing you right now because, well, I’m in a little bit of a pickle. You see, none of you guys liked my latest Instagram post and — LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS CRAZY, BUT YOU NEED TO HEAR ME OUT — if I don’t hit 400 likes, Instagram is allowed to control me.

Let me answer some pressing questions I’m sure you have, right off the bat:

I don’t know why I made this deal with them. One day, some guy at Instagram just messaged me and said that if I got 400 likes on a photo, Instagram would promote my account on the explore page and give me 15,000 bot followers for free. I thought, no problem, that sounds like a steal. I’ve done it before! Then the guy told me, if I didn’t hit 400 likes, Instagram was allowed to control me. I really didn’t think this through because I thought MY FRIENDS (you guys) would be there for me.

I did ask him to clarify what “control me” implied. Basically, Instagram will take over my brain and consciousness. I’d have to open the app every five minutes. I’d have to refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh. I’d have to like everything I saw — and you know how confusing their explore page algorithm is these days, I’d be liking posts from, like, three weeks ago. I wouldn’t be able to leave my house without recording it. I wouldn’t be able to be alive without documenting every moment. Instagram would be on my mind 24/7 forever. I’d never be free. Everything I’d ever say or even think would have to be brand safe.

Mark Zuckerberg would be curating my every move. That guy scares me.

I’d have to do a boomerang of my first born child’s birth. I’d have to do slideshows of me shaving my legs in the shower. I’d have to manipulate my entire existence around some kind of aesthetic. I wouldn’t be allowed to talk to anyone with less than 1MM followers. My husband only has 56 followers, what the fuck am I going to do!?

I don’t have much time. I really need your help. Also, why aren’t you guys just liking my photos blindly in the first place? Aren’t you supposed to be my friends? What, are you picky with what you like on this thing? Jeff, you literally comment “u look SO hot without makeup” on Cardi B’s selfies on a regular basis, you couldn’t toss me — a friend of two decades — one like?

Sorry, I don’t want to anger you guys. That’s counterproductive. I’m staying calm, I’m just asking for a tiny bit of assistance here. I’m incredibly stressed. This is a weird situation. Follow me on Instagram.