Things I Accomplished While I Was Actively Procrastinating Writing An Article

I have NEVER been cleaner — I showered three (3) separate times in one day.

I drank my body weight in caffeine and then could see the universe from my desk chair.

And then I had a panic attack because how much caffeine is too much caffeine?

I thought of a movie idea that was very similar to Lady Bird before Lady Bird even came out.

I cross-referenced my ex’s recent tweets with his recent Venmo transactions and his recently added friends and concluded he is dating That Girl. I found her Instagram.

I took my phone apart and then put it back together.

I wiped down all of the shelves in my refrigerator.

I saved bitcoin.

I listened to the same song on a loop for four hours straight while staring vacantly at a blank Word Document.

I called my mom.

My mom ignored my call, so I texted her instead.

I analyzed my star chart.

I re-read old diaries to deliberately hurt my own feelings.

I looked up tickets to London.

I looked up tickets to LA.

I made a to-do list of all the to-do lists I actually need to make.

I invented a new color.

I wasted all of my monthly free Medium articles.

I entered the New Yorker cartoon caption contest.

I learned how to play the violin.

I cleaned my shower.

I ironed that shirt I have always been meaning to iron; except I don’t own an iron so I used a hair straightener.

I thought I had an idea for something to write, but then realized I’d already written it.

I won the New Yorker cartoon caption contest.

I stared at a gif on Facebook of some BuzzFeed girl pretending that you CAN workout and drink red wine at the same time and wondered when I missed the memo that all women have to love wine and have to hate working out.

I listened to a podcast about vomit phobias.

I raised a family.

I made more coffee.

I finally found my biological father.

I took another shower.

I reinvented Facebook.

I accepted and paid a Venmo charge that was sent to me six weeks ago.

I bought all my friends and family gifts for the next three Christmases.

I slept a full, healthy 8 hours. Except it was during the day, when I should’ve been writing.