Okay, I’ve Dated All The Zodiac Signs, Now What?

I’ve seen so many articles talking about the pros and cons of dating each zodiac sign — to the point where I was like, maybe I just should date them all!? They all sound equally great and awful, what could possibly go wrong?

Well, I did it. I think my main conclusion is: All People Are Bad and Dating Is Canceled, but now what? Who else is left to love? What other boxes can I put love interests into?

No, really, I dated all of them. I found a Sagittarius on a plane and dried a Cancer’s tears and dragged a Gemini up from the depths of hell. I penciled myself into a Virgo’s schedule and made all the decisions for a Libra and also grabbed a Scorpio while I was in hell getting a Gemini. I think there are other zodiac signs too, I just can’t think of where I found them because it’s been a really exhausting last couple of weeks.

My opening line was always: “what time were you born?” It worked like a charm. If they didn’t know their star charts, I’d just look them up myself after our dates. I’d study where Pluto was on their birthday, if they were a Leo rising, what stage the moon was in when they hit puberty, memorize all the constellations, what house Venus was in when they got their first kiss — extensive background research to see if we were genuinely compatible as a couple.

I spent more time investing in this than actually getting to know them through regular human conversation — but I think I now know them better than they know themselves. Like, Matt, the Pisces I dated throughout the end of August, is going to die on February 4th. Not sure which year, the star chart didn’t say.

So now what? Should I start focusing on Myers-Briggs?