Help! I’m The Last White Guy On Earth Who Doesn’t Have A Podcast

I’m thinking of starting a podcast, for really no other reason than the fact that I’m the Last White Guy On Earth who doesn’t have one. I know. It’s 2017. It’s like, Joe Rogan did not get this far in his career for me to not do a podcast too.

I’m just sick of talking to people and saying all of these hilarious and poignant and interesting commentaries on politics and pop culture and it all just being wasted on whoever is in earshot of me yelling. The world really does deserve to know that I’d tolerate Hillary Clinton a little bit more if she drank scotch. Amy Schumer is not funny. I’ll be convinced climate change exists once I conduct the research myself. #NotAllMen. How is it morally sound of me to only limit sharing these observations to first dates?

Frankly, I think the White Male Voice should only be expanded upon within the podcast community. Really, any community.

Should I have a co-host? Maybe. Perhaps just to throw in some flirty banter and keep the listeners’ interests piqued with the whole Jim-And-Pam-Of-The-Podcast-World vibes. She just can’t be hotter than me.

What will I talk about? Anything and everything. Except boring shit. Maybe I’ll do character voices. I once accidentally showed up to an improv show because the theater looked like a bar and I was drunk, so I think I pretty much got it. I’ll definitely do a whole episode on Gwyneth Paltrow. Two episodes on Jeff Goldblum.

I’ll have people call in too. Maybe I’ll do a thing where I ask them what kind of beer they’re drinking and if their answer isn’t Michelob Ultra, I’ll just hang up on them and say my catchphrase—something like “and THAT’S how it’s done” (still working on it)—as my co-host high fives me.

I could also do a thing where I read the fight I had with my girlfriend over text out loud. I feel like that will really get me recognized—like, I’m thinking Serial level fame here. And Serial wasn’t even that funny.

I think I really do have the potential to bring change to the podcast landscape. My brand is so fucking chill. And I’m really good at talking for hours, uninterrupted.

Can I make money from doing this?