Weird Side Effects Of Writing For The Internet

People will ask you what you do for a living and you’ll politely answer that you write and you’ll watch on their faces how that fact sparked some weird sense of dominance in their little brains, so they’ll ask “oh? Writing? Like, novels?” and you will smile without your teeth and say “no, actually, for the internet” and you’ll notice that they’ve slowly started reaching for their phone as they ask “oh? What website?” and you know it’s coming—YOU KNOW IT’S COMING—but you can’t be weird, so you answer, and then they’re immediately like: “oh, ok, found you. I’m going to read something you wrote two years ago out loud to you right now and probably give you notes.”

People you haven’t spoken to or thought about in days/weeks/months/years will crawl out of whatever circle of hell they’ve been dwelling in to message you at 2:59am: “Is this article about me?”

You will begin to develop a mentality that makes you believe you are welcome to overshare your feelings and life story in any setting.

Strangers on the internet will continually be perplexed that you could have formed your own thoughts and feelings and will feel zero qualms in contacting you directly and telling you that their opinions on your personal experiences are more valuable.

People will introduce you to other people as a “blogger”—but they will say it in a way that suggests you are 13 and uploading commentary about your recent trip to Vermont on some Blogspot account, rather than someone who gets paid Real Money to write pieces that thousands (sometimes millions, but whatever) of people read regularly.

People will ask you things like, “Do your parents know you write this stuff?” and you will say, “Uh, I’m in my 20s? I file my own taxes? Are your parents monitoring your every move or are you just being weird to me?”

People will also tell you things like, “Oh, yeah, I would totally be a writer too if I had the free time and luxury to do so. I’ve read three books in the last two years. I saw a poem on the subway. Pretty much already there.” And then, by Internet Writer Law, you have to set yourself on fire in response.

If you ever tell Non-Writers that you’re stressed at your job, they look at you in disbelief. And you’re just like, haha, sometimes I wonder if striving towards becoming mentally healthy inhibits my creativity!? enough about me! Tell me about your stocks!

Anytime anything ever happens to you or anytime you are ever involved in a conversation, someone will say something along of the lines of: “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey you should, like, write about this!” And you will bore your eyes into their soul and wonder what it’s like to think that way.

People will tell you that you, as a writer, are “better than listicles.” And you’ll just go, oh really Kevin? Because Facebook told me you were recently tagged in 46 Times Disney Characters Were Totally Sexual and you commented “LOL.” You can’t condemn the people who are creating the content you’re reading, KEVIN.