16 TED Talks I Am Qualified To Give

Ways To Leave A Party Early Without Saying Goodbye To Anyone (Featuring Tips On How To Ignore All Frantic ‘Where Are You? Did You Leave???’ Texts Until The Following Morning)

How To Wait Until The Last Second To Do Anything

Why 2014 Was A Great Year For Me Even Though My Parents And I Agree That I Officially Peaked In 2005

A 45 Minute Rant On What Constitutes As Actually Freelancing

Why Am I Always Panicked? (This is just me asking the question as soon as I walk on the stage, and then it’s 19 minutes of various audience members trying to rationalize with me.)

Yeah, No, I Only Use Facebook: A Dramatic Reenactment Of Me Answering People’s Social Media-Related Questions When They Realize I Can’t Watch Their Snapchat

Why We Should Just Stop Exploring Space Because It Freaks Me Out If I Think About It For Too Long

Sorry! I Can’t Be Creative Today! (This is just me crying for 15 minutes about how I might be too hydrated and that’s why I can’t think of anything original to write about—special guest star is my Dad who calls me at the end of it to tell me that “nothing original has been written in 1000 years anyway.”)

Sorry! I Am Going To Be Creative Today! (This is just me crying on stage for 30 minutes and maybe rolling around on the floor before making the audience watch me type for an hour in silence.)

Foods I Can’t Eat Because They Remind Me Of Specific People

You Can Stop Referring To Her As Just ‘Your Ex’ Now Because I’ve Already Found Her Online And Know Her Full Name: A Love Story

Awful Drug Experiences I’ve Had—Not Told As Lessons For Why You Shouldn’t Do Drugs, But So That You Still Think I’m Cool Even Though I’m Scared Of Them Now

How I Successfully Manage To Avoid Revealing Anything Personal About Myself In Regular Conversation

An Arbitrary List Of Things Guys Do That I Really Don’t Understand: From Drunk Wrestling To Repeating My Own Jokes Back To Me

A Reflection On What That One Girl Said To Me In Sixth Grade (I Honestly Can’t Really Remember What She Said But I Will Always Be Mad About It)

Unproductive Habits To Develop While Avoiding Writing On A Regular Basis