A College Senior’s Very Realistic Resume
If you want to live the life you were meant to live, you have to own who you are—strengths, weakness, vulnerabilities, and all. You have to choose to be you every single day instead of letting other people’s opinions or ideas dictate the choices you make. In partnership with Taco Bell and their Feed The Stories program, we’re bringing you authentic stories by some of Thought Catalog’s most promising writers who stand out as individuals committed to living life to the absolute fullest.
Name: Basic, You Can Tell I’m Blonde And From Connecticut
Address: Shitty Student Housing; Living With Three Savages Who Definitely Will Not Tell Me If You Actually Mail Me A Letter
Phone: I don’t answer calls from strange numbers unless they leave a voicemail, is that going to be an issue?
Email: Look! I went to a good school!
EDUCATION
The Trending News Sidebar On Facebook
WikiHow
HGTV’s “Fixer Upper”
OBJECTIVE
College student who sweat out the final months of the supposed best four years of her life. Stressed. Living on a strict diet of coffee and Adderall. Looking for a job that will impress her parents’ friends so that her parents leave her alone. Need a salary that would allow her to live in a single bedroom in a major city while also continuing to support her Amazon Prime addiction.
Ideal position would be anything that wouldn’t require her to wear pants or heels.
EXPERIENCE
Chef, My Apartment
Have been told my quesadillas are “hella dank.”
Bullshitter, ENG10A
Assigned a 10-page final paper on Beowulf. Somehow completed and highly valued by TA, despite only managing to read the first 5 lines before exploding into flames.
Research Assistant, Facebook
Totally found that girl who texted John back in November and now know she had side bangs in 2009.
SKILLS
Extensive knowledge of almost all male celebrities’ actual heights
Can stop a drunk girl from crying in under 5 minutes
Befriending people who have easy-to-remember passwords on their Netflix accounts
Microsoft Excel 
