26 Times Chelsea Peretti Destroyed The Ridiculous Notion That Female Comedians Aren’t Funny
1. “Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom.”
2. “Bitches! Stop trying to be sexy all the time. Take 10 weeks off.”
3. “Once you put more than 5 hashtags on a photo caption #meltdown should be a compulsory additional hashtag.”
4. “I don’t like eating bananas in public. That is so stressful if you’re a girl. It’s so annoying ‘cause it’s such a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how to I de-dick this delicious treat…?”
5. “I just think my least favorite part of the vegan diet is the verbal part where they explain it to you. It’s just endless.”
6. “One thing that really irritates me is a thousand things.”
7. “EVERY JOKE IN 2014 SHOULD BE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ESSAY EXPLAINING ITS INTENT, AS WELL AS THE SOCIO-POLITICAL CONTEXT AND RAMIFICATIONS.”
8.“I read this woman’s magazine, and it said, ‘if you feel nervous at parties, here are some conversation starters!’ One of the things was ‘wear a funky necklace, and that’ll help break the ice.’ And I’m just like, why not go big? Why not just walk into a party just dragging a dead dog? That will get lips a-flappin’.”
9. “Why can’t Facebook end instead of Letterman?”
10. “I read somewhere that men’s biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women’s biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that we’re working with.”
11. “It’s crazy to me how bad everyone is at their job, myself included.”
12. “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji— no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
13. “Tonight I didn’t realize another pedestrian was nearby when I said the following sentence to my dog: ‘I love going on adventures with you.'”
14. “If these walls could talk they’d be like ‘damn bitch, you’re back in bed again!?’”
15. “There is literally no difference between house parties and haunted houses.”
16. “I’m Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.”
17. “An old acquaintance planted himself in front of me while I was trying to gaze upon Rihanna at a party. He was like, ‘We should catch up!’ And I was like, ‘I don’t know you, so we’re caught up because I still don’t know you. Now get out of my Rihanna eye line.’”
18. “iPhones are out of control right now. My friend got the new one…And he was like complaining, ‘My thumb doesn’t fit all the way across to swipe.’ I’m like, ‘Men used to hunt.’”
19.“I hate leaving my house. I’m always amazed when people do it.”
20. “Do you guys think it’s worse to wear a Fedora or kill 15 people?”
21. “The internet must be stopped.”
22. “The thing that people who hate each other do—they’ll always be, like, ‘We should do lunch!’ I always push it a little bit, just to call their bluff. I’m like, ‘We should rent a car and drive up the coast! Let’s buy some lumber and learn how to build. I just want to get to know you through task-based projects.’”
23.“I’ve dated three white rappers. I feel like that’s 98% of white rappers.”
24.“Do you ever do one chore, and then celebrate that for ten years?”
25. “You learn a lot about people from how they are with their dogs, like there will be some big huge dog staring at my dog from a block away, and then the owner is like, ‘he’s friendly, he’s friendly, he’s friendly.’ I’m like, ‘bitch, no, he’s not. That’s not what friendly looks like.’”
26. “Beards legit ruin all of life.” 
