Katie Mather

At a certain point, I just stopped brushing my hair. It was disgusting. I would wrap it in a bun and only untie it to reluctantly wash it every other day or so, only to then immediately bundle all of my sopping wet hair, tangled and with soap suds still trapped within the knots, back on top of my head.

We at Apple HQ wanted to send you guys this little email about an exciting announcement for the newest iPhone update, which is coming soon. Basically — based on the hoards of personal information you’ve given us without a second thought — whenever you update your phone, we’ll be updating your personal life as well.

There’s a psychological explanation behind why thunderstorms are actually great for alleviating your anxiety.

We set a deadline, which might’ve been the dumbest thing I’ve ever participated in.

Yeah, look, I know it’s a little confusing these days because evvvvverrrrrrryone is justifying Not Doing Things as a form of self-care, but I just want you to know that me flaking on these plans at the last minute is NOT about me caring for myself. I am just openly a terrible person.

Snowed in? Freezing temperatures? Terrible wind and rain? Here are some activities you can do while trapped inside your home — and break out the tissues, because all of them involve having a meltdown.

I don’t know why I made this deal with them.

It’s that time of year again: Everyone you know is talking about Black Mirror. You break out in a cold sweat. You tried watching two episodes and couldn’t get over how depressing it was. Here’s Black Mirror Lite™, some made-up Black Mirror storylines that are gentle enough for you to digest, while being vague enough so other people might assume you suffered through the actual show on Netflix.

Self-care is putting on a sheet mask instead of confronting your inner demons, right?

Peak success to me would be being able to live out the “I Want Candy” scene from Marie Antoinette on a weekly basis.

How do I do it, you ask? LADIES, please, it’s so easy! Just sell your soul and accept you’ll never be truly fulfilled. And drink lemon water. Someone help me, my mouth tastes like blood.

I’m stable. I’m staying grounded. BUT do you think if I bought a dress specifically for NYE, I’ll have more luck finding the love of my life?

Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the difference.

I’m too deep to handle small talk. Ugh! Let’s talk about something REAL. What even IS weather?

Counting out daily contact lenses for a trip. Making note of how many things you can do before your food delivery arrives.

EVERYONE wanted to live in Mia Thermopolis’s crazy San Francisco loft. Or own Juno’s hamburger phone.

Less sadness. But simultaneously, a little bit more sadness. And turtlenecks.

I’ve been told that I am an Extreme Person.