An Average Day In My Life
Arrive home. Collapse into a pile. Pour yourself some red wine. You deserve it. Ponder what to eat for dinner. Realize you can’t afford take out again. Maybe frozen pizza? You ate the last one a few days ago. Lay down for just one second. You will figure it out.
The following is an exaggerated series of events.
12:00 AM: Wake up suddenly. You fell asleep at 8:54 PM. Whoops.
3:40 AM: Wake up. Very disoriented. You realize you slept for over nine hours. Shower because it’s been four days since you washed your hair. Make a grilled cheese because you need a full tummy to fall back asleep.
6:00 AM: Wake up. Tell yourself today is the day you wake up early and reset your entire life. Contemplate getting your cooling face mask out of the fridge. Fall back asleep immediately.
8:22 AM: Wake up in a panic. Realize you are going to be very late to work again. Take your time getting ready since you are already late. Make coffee. Make some tea too in case you want that instead. Pick out your clothes. Is this weather appropriate? Sure. Is this work appropriate? Probably not. Put on a little too much make up. Rush out the door.
8:50 – 8:55 AM: Walk four blocks to your car because you never learned to parallel park, and you have to park four blocks away. It’s fine.
8:56 AM: Start your car. Find some appropriate driving to work songs. Make a quick Spotify playlist. It’s fine.
9:00 – 9:25 AM: Drive to work. Shout colorful phrases at other drivers. Curse liberally. Blare lots of loud music featuring many curse words. Drink coffee if you remembered to grab it off the counter.
9:30 AM: Navigate parking garage. Yell some more at other drivers, even though they can probably hear you now. Oh well. Park poorly. Take the elevator downstairs, even though walking down some stairs isn’t that hard.
9:38 AM: Arrive at other elevator. Pray no one gets inside with you. Someone does. Many people do. Lots of stops before your floor. Try not to show frustration. Never take your sunglasses off the entire time. It’s fine. Storm out of elevator when it reaches your floor. Still don’t take sunglasses off.
9:40 AM: Throw all possessions down on desk. Do not say hello to anyone. Scowl at the first person who tries to talk to you. Storm off to break room with mug. Get hot water. Make green tea. That will fix your problems. It’s fine.
9:40 – 9:58 AM: Read The Skimm. Check Facebook. Check Nordstrom.com. Check Gmail. Half-read the homepage of The Huffington Post. Check some blogs you like. Completely forget about the tea you just made.
9:59 AM: Remember your tea. It’s cold now. Drink it anyway.
10:00 AM – 6:50 PM: Work your fucking ass off.
6:55 PM: Walk to your car. Forget where you parked. Walk around some more.
7:02 – 7:39 PM: Drive in rush hour traffic. Risk your life changing songs on Spotify. Violate several small but important traffic laws. Park really far from your apartment.
7:50 PM: Arrive home. Collapse into a pile. You deserve it. Ponder what to eat for dinner. Realize you can’t afford take out again. Maybe frozen pizza? You ate the last one a few days ago. Lay down for just one second. You will figure it out. 
