An 8-Step Vagina Manual For Those Not In Possession Of One

Look, guys, I don’t blame you for not always knowing about vaginas. They’re complicated. Beautiful, but complicated. I would have directed this to everybody but as I have seen in my own experiences with lesbian sex, people who own one tend to know how to handle one. And so, I present to you, a user’s manual for the vagina if you are not in possession of one:

1. It does not want to be poked or prodded.

This isn’t like an arcade game. You don’t hit it enough times and then, whoop! You’ve won! There’s the orgasm! It needs some tender, passionate loving. It needs to be caressed in the right places, with steady speed and pressure.

2. Tongue, people. Tongue.

If you ask a girl what she wants and she’s like, oh, I don’t care, allow me to translate this for you: to stick your tongue all up in her lady parts. That is what she wants.

3. A One-Way Guide To The Clitoris.

Without further adieu, I present the way to find a clitoris. Put your finger at the top of her opening, the part that’s closest to her groin, not her behind. Slide your finger down between her lips, and when she shutters or moans, you’re there! Congratulations! Time to party!

4. Some crucial clitoris info.

It is sensitive as fuck and that means it’s a epicenter of all things orgasmic and wonderful but it is also not meant to be treated harshly (unless, I don’t know, some of y’all dig that). I guess it depends on your lady friend SO…

5. Don’t be afraid to ask.

We will happily give you direction.

6. The golden rules of the vagina consist of the following:

Down (as in don’t rub the clitoris upwards because OW) consistency, curled fingers whilst inside, patience.

7. Understand that for many of us it takes some time to get there, and it’s not abnormal!

Sometimes it will, sometimes it won’t, and either way it shouldn’t matter. It’s part of the messy beautiful sexy love making process.

8. Bodily functions happen, be understanding.

Look, while shoving a large dick in and out of the vagina, sometimes some air gets up there and has to come back out. I don’t know, sometimes we bleed and sometimes you’ll take our panties off before we’re even revved up and they’ll be kind of wet and we’re not really sure why. Just roll with it. Never make someone feel bad about what they naturally are and what those natural things naturally do.