20 Ways You Know You’re Getting Too Old For This Shit

1. Your dream vacation is laying on a beach all day reading, having dinner at 6pm, getting drunk on two glasses of wine and watching a Friends marathon on the hotel TV until you fall asleep at 9.30pm.

2. When two of your friends fight you literally don’t even care enough to gossip about it with your other friends.

3. You do not wait in line to get into bars.

4. There are certain bars you won’t go to because you’ve deemed them too loud or too busy or both.

5. When you’re too tired to do stuff, you don’t do stuff, and you don’t feel bad about not doing stuff.

6. When you’re at a party and your friend offers you free molly your brain immediately skips thoughts about how fun it will be to be on molly and goes straight to the part where it remembers what it’s like to be coming down from molly. You don’t take the molly.

7. Your need to be at least polite to overbearing/drunk/sleazy strangers has been replaced with the ability to either bluntly dismiss or completely ignore creeps in public.

8. You’ve stopped being a hero while wearing high heels and invest in cabs.

9. You always have hand sanitizer on your person.

10. There are new songs and bands you have literally never heard of, and you are completely apathetic about it.

11. A lot of music has started sounding the same to you.

12. You get food stuck in your teeth way more often than you used to.

13. The thought of getting drunk with your mom is appealing.

14. You weren’t the last person standing at your last birthday party. By a long shot.

15. Things you used to like as a teenager are having 10 and 15 year anniversaries.

16. You still refer to 2003 as “a few years ago”.

17. Nothing scares you more than having to be hung over for a whole day. Being sober is not even that scary to you any more.

18. You Google “How to grow tomatoes” more than you play Candy Crush saga, even though you have nowhere to grow tomatoes yet.

19. You wear a bike helmet while riding.

20. You often say “I’m too old for this shit” and you’re not even trying to be Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, you just really mean it.