20 Steps For Successful Dieting

1. Decide to go on a diet. But make it start next week, so that you have a week to eat junk food, stockpiling like a camel does with water.

2. When you weigh yourself remove at least 3 pounds, because you know, water weight. Or maybe you haven’t pooped today. You have to be fair to yourself on the scales, OK.

3. Every time there’s “bad food” in the house, like chips or chocolate, sit down and eat ALL of it, to save yourself from eating it later.

4. Eat a lot of food while standing by the open fridge door–the calories you consume here don’t count. It’s the twilight zone of calories.

5. Convince yourself you can just have a kale salad for dinner and be fine. Smother it in oil and salt. It’s still kale either way, might as well make it tastier.

6. Go to bed hungry and toss and turn before finally getting up and making toast. It doesn’t count if you don’t admit to anyone else that you ate it/no one sees you doing it/you can convince yourself it was “sleep eating”.

7. Use the excuse that you don’t want to be “that person” when you’re out to dinner with friends so you can eat 3 bowls of pasta.

8. Cigarettes and Ballerina Tea.

9. Start following Kendall Jenner or Kelly Ripa on Instagram as “thinspo”.

10. Use the fact that you have “thinspo” as a surrogate for actually sticking to your diet. The important thing is the intention is there.

11. Fall off the wagon after binge watching 30 Rock on a Sunday, because working on your night cheese is just so much more compelling than being thin.

12. Discover yoga. Act like a pretentious ass for discovering yoga. What’s the point in putting yourself through yoga if you don’t get to be smug about it later?

13. Fear that your butt and tits are getting smaller, so put your diet on hiatus to preserve the junk in your trunk.

14. Reward yourself for having a bland grilled chicken breast and steamed greens dinner with some fucking cake, because you deserve it, after the shit your diet just made you eat. Hell, you EARNED the damn cake.

15. Give up beer, but make up for it by doubling your vodka-soda intake.

16. Use Ron Swanson philosophy to reason out your drunk 2am sausage-egg-and-cheese roll binge: “the protein soaks up the sugar”.

17. Compulsively eat olives (or something else that seems non-threatening to your diet) and realize you’ve substituted all the bad food you used to eat with this one new compulsion. Google “can you eat too many olives” and quickly delete your browser history.

18. Include the amount of subway steps you climb in a day as exercise.

19. Spend all your money on clothes, so all you can afford to eat is miso soup for the next week.

20. Decide you don’t have enough money to buy a new wardrobe for your skinnier self, so it’s probably better just to not diet after all.