What Would Jesus Do?

I’m going to take a punt on this and say that first and most importantly, Jesus would probably use his brain and the power of deductive foresight to not crucify the one person that could offer humanity all the answers to life and living. But seeing as it’s far too late to even go there, all I can do is offer vague speculations as to what the main man would do if he were still around today.*

Jesus would get laid

Seriously. You can’t tell me that a man that popular would be celibate. The chicks would have swarmed him. He was like the John Mayer of his time (and I bet you if he was around today he’d totally stick it to Jenny A. She’s Greek and Greeks love Jesus). Plus, his girlfriend was a prostitute, so clearly he loved it. I know his dad possibly had some problems with sex before marriage, but what kind of child would Jesus be if he wasn’t rebellious (but dad, half deities just wanna have fun!)?

So while you’re sitting around Bible bashing to anyone who will listen (and even those who wont) Jesus and Mary (Magdalene, not his mother you fucking pervert) would be getting jiggy with it Kama Sutra style and having a laugh at dad’s boring-ass chaste self over a cigarette afterwards. The moral of the story is that you should put down that damn Bible, your shame and your scruples, loosen your collar, hitch up your skirt and get dirty with the one you love. Jesus would have.

Jesus would not bitch and moan

He was a man who accepted his life with grace and style. I mean, his closest friends stabbed him in the back, and all the people that he loved and sought to teach and protect turned on him in one crazy mob and nailed him to a cross, but whatever. All of it flowed like over him like water (or blood. Too soon for that joke? OK, I’ll think of something funny to say about Micheal Jackson instead and get back to you).

What’s more is that when he was resurrected he didn’t go waving around accusations or trying to eat people’s brains like most living-dead types. He didn’t even say ‘I told you so’—he just went along on his merry way, content with his lot. Jesus was a chilled out, happy dude who knew that no matter how bad he had it, there was always someone worse off (like the guy they nailed to a cross upsidedown. Talk about sudden rush of blood to the head).

Jesus would be humble

Despite being the son of God, Jesus happily worked as a carpenter until he was thirty years old. He wasn’t some media show pony or attention whore, but a genuine hard worker. He worked for the love, not the money. Think of the fortune he could have accumulated if he had Paris Hilton’s PR. I’ve already said it before but I’ll say it again—Jesus was the freaking son of God. And God has the keys to the sweetest, most desired hotel suite ever.

Nevertheless, Jesus didn’t have ‘Son of God’ tattooed across his forehead, and didn’t advertise the fact that he was the most divine, blessed being ever. His title did not make him the man he was and I’m sure he never would have approached a situation with the line “don’t you know who I am?”

Jesus wouldn’t care

Finally and most importantly, Jesus would not have wasted his time doing moronic things like contemplating what a dead (albeit fictional) man would have done in a given situation. He would have just done whatever the fuck he felt like doing and ignored the haters. He would not have thought about what other people thought of him, let alone cared. If there’s anything we can learn from Jesus (apart from make love, suck it up, be happy and don’t be a cock-ass arrogant wanker), it’s to fuck everyone and their misguided, ill-contemplated, meddling judgments.

*Please note that I am not Jesus. I do not claim to be Jesus, nor do I know Jesus or anyone directly related to Jesus. Jesus does not necessarily endorse any of the views or opinions expressed here within. All the views and opinions expressed are my own and are made based on a chain of reasoning linking facts (insofar as The Bible can be deemed a factual text) to a likely hypothesis of the casual effect of such facts.