I Would Have Stayed

I would have stayed if you had been consistent.

If you had continually shown me the effort and affection I felt when you were still pursuing me, if you had not changed from being a fiery lover to being an egoistic man, if you had kept on telling me the words that captivated my heart, I would have stayed. Consistency is not an easy task, but you said you truly loved me, so I expected you wouldn’t get tired of doing the same things for me, and would do even more.

I thought you wouldn’t stop bombarding me with sweet messages. Calling me almost 10 times in a day, or at least once before bedtime. I thought you wouldn’t get tired coming over to see me despite the miles that set us apart. I thought you would always be that clingy man who pulls me close as we carelessly walk through the busy streets. That gentleman who asks if he could pick me up from work. That lover who doesn’t fear commitment. These things just manifested when you wanted to win me.

I would have stayed if you had been sensitive of my feelings.

If you had tried to empathize with me when my anxiety and insecurity attacked and comforted me instead of despising me, if you had tried to consider my thoughts and situations, if you had put yourself into the shoe of a woman who values her worth, I would have stayed. I tried my best to understand you—your weaknesses, your own disposition. I would bridle myself before I blow up. I would wait until you notice your own shortcomings. I would compromise my own pain.

But when I would gently tell the truth to you that I was hurt, that I felt jealous of someone, or when I would simply ask for your time because I noticed I was being taken for granted, you would instantly take it offensively. You would call me demanding and paranoid. You wouldn’t allow me to express what I feel at all. You’d rather be angry than reassuring. Playing the victim than being sorry. Had you been sensitive of what I felt, I swear we’d still be together.

I would have stayed if you had kept your eyes only on me.

If you had shown taut loyalty, if you had not given me the hint that you could fall for somebody else, if you had not treated other women the way you treated me, I would have stayed. But with you, I had felt every crippling insecurity. I had doubted my own intelligence and beauty. I had forgotten about my worth. I had succumbed to desperation.

You made me feel there was just something you wanted to get from me, and you gradually became cold because you already got it. You had my body, my confidence, my love. I gave all these things to someone I thought would be my forever person. I gave my 100% to someone who was hesitant to give his. Then I realized it’s because it’s not me whom you’d want to settle down with. You were still in search for somebody else when I was already dreaming of our own family.

I could have stayed because I swear to God I still love you. I still want that future with you. I can still do everything to keep you. But for you, it’s just totally different. For you, it seemed so easy to let our relationship shatter.

I would have stayed.

But you let me walk away.