I Still Wish He Was You

We were friends with restrained love for each other. And by restrained, I mean time-hindered. We were too young back then. But I know our love was so pure and real—something we could consider as forever. Sadly, that connection was torn. And believe me, the mutual feelings we had still gives me butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, even though I’ve been with somebody else.

Sometimes I wish we had hurried our hearts so that I would not have fallen for another. Thing is, I was the one in a hurry. I dissuaded myself from waiting because I became clueless of what you really felt towards me. I thought you were too good for me. I thought maybe all of what I envisioned about us was merely fabricated by my assumptions.

Nevertheless, a small part of me still believed you were just really anticipating for the perfect time. But I didn’t choose to listen to it.

I chose to look for love from another soul. I convinced myself he was really the one for me. I pushed my heart to fall for his words—words that I thought would be turned into actions with commitment. But I found out those were only words forever wafting around as mere presumptions.

And now here I am, poked by the conscience of not waiting for you—for us.

And no, I can never blame the man I chose. He loved me. I loved him. Yet forces keep on proving to me our relationship was wrong. And every time it happens, I think about you. I think about the potentials we could be, the better life I could live with you as my better half. It may not be perfect, but knowing you, I believe we could conquer every struggle. Knowing how mature you are, I believe you wouldn’t let me feel like our relationship will ever fizzle out.

I regret hurrying my heart.

I didn’t think I was wasting you, the one who has already met my standards. This may sound selfish and unfair, but I regret choosing someone else who couldn’t love me back as much as I do. I regret committing myself to someone I barely even knew.

I regret settling for something less when waiting was all I needed to do.

Sometimes I think that maybe fate just allowed me to be with another man to prove to me that it’s really you whom I want to be with for the rest of my life. I blame myself for all the pain I’ve felt. Why the heck did I lower my standards when I’ve met someone who’s already qualified? Maybe I was just really afraid. I feared that I might be the only one dreaming about us, and so I stopped hoping.

But it has dawned on me it’s better to keep on hoping and waiting than compromising the love you could give wholly to the right one.

It hurts to see myself being in a wrong relationship, but it hurts more to see that you’re moving on and pursuing someone else.

I feel deeply sorry because I squandered a wonderful gift from God and He knows how much I am willing to mend it all. I keep on hoping that the people we’re seeing now are actually made for others. And we, for each other.

I hope it’s not too late because my greatest pain is knowing that you’re not really made for me. And if that’s the case, I will just convince myself that I’m lucky to have been adored by you. I will just let our dreams be realized through words of fiction I can create. Even if it’s difficult, I will just teach myself to be happy for you. If God really made our hearts for each other, I shall be the happiest woman alive.
But if God made my heart for a soul other than you, I will always wish he was you.