15 Things I Don’t Understand About Myself

1. I hate how long it takes me to straighten my hair. Why do I still do it? Who cares? Who am I trying to impress?

2. Why do I turn into a mush-mouth whenever I talk to someone I like? Why can I be the belle of the ball when I’m with some people and then immediately become mute around others?

3. Why can’t I cook? I can follow directions. I love food. But somewhere along the way, lines get crossed and everything I make turns out badly. This makes no sense.

4. Why do I keep buying shoes I know I can’t walk in? It’s like I’m collecting expensive art in the back of my closet.

5. I hate-read way too many blogs. What good does it do me to read stuff I hate? It’s just going make me angry.

6. I proclaim to have good taste in music but then in private, I listen to primarily Britney Spears. First of all, why do I lie about it? And second of all, why does this make me feel so guilty? And third of all, why can’t I stop listening to Britney Spears?

7. I say I want a boyfriend but I never actually do anything to get one. When I date, the guy always comes to me even though I profess to be this liberated woman. Why can’t I put my money where my mouth is here?

8. I love horses but I also think they are the scariest animal known to man. Figure that one out.

9. I don’t ever dress the way I envision myself dressing. I see all these cute outfits on fashion blogs but then I just pull on a sweatshirt and jeans. Why don’t I have the courage to dress up how I’d want to dress? Why can’t I put the effort in?

10. Why do I always get sick when I’m stressed out? Like I don’t have enough going on, I have to get sick too? Thanks, body.

11. I can’t ever save money. I try and try and at the end of the month, I’m always perplexed by where my money went. Always.

12. I simultaneously always want my parents around and never want them around. Part of me wishes they’d move to my town and help me out with stuff and the other part thinks that’s a nightmare.

13. I love ketchup but I hate tomatoes. I love peanut butter but I hate peanuts. I love hummus but I hate chick peas.

14. Sometimes I’ll have one beer and need to fall asleep and other times I wake up from a night of tequila shots feeling like I could run a 5k. There’s no consistency to my hangovers.

15. I think people are amazing and also the worst plague to ever hit planet Earth. Both. At the same time.