Things My Boyfriend’s Female Best Friend Should Know

I am trying to impress you.

Oh god, am I trying to impress you. If you like me, I know when he comes to you for advice or to complain or even to say nice things, you won’t throw me under a bus. If you plant doubt in his mind, I’m finished.

So I will try to be your best friend too. What do you like? Nail art? The beach? Ani DiFranco concerts? OH MAN I ALSO LOVE THOSE THINGS. Even if I don’t love those things, I am striving to seek out similarities between us so we can bond. I desperately want to bond with you because I love this boy and you love this boy and we’re going to have to spend time together.

I would love it if we could find some common ground, but mostly I want you to like me. Please like me! Aside from his parents, you’re the one I need to impress the most. Don’t make it hard on me. I’m already bugging.

I know you’re the way in.

We all know the guy’s girl BFF is the one who holds the key. If he doesn’t have a sister, she’s the closest equivalent to someone who knows him inside and out. A boyfriend’s male best friend? Way less likely to judge the crap out of you, or hold you to high standards, the way a female best friend will. That’s because she’s also a girl. Game recognize game. She’ll be the first to figure out if you’ve got sinister intentions ie: You BEST not be planning to hurt her boy. She will shank you.

You will be here long after I’m gone.

You were here first, and if this relationship doesn’t work out, you will be here long after I’m gone. That is an undeniable truth. There’s no need for anyone to feel threatened. You win. You will probably always win. I need to learn to be okay with that and you need to in a way, take pity on me because of the disadvantage I’m coming from here.

You knew him when he was an awkward teen. I can’t go back in time and gather those years and hug them close like I want to. I have the future, but you have the past. Which one do you think is a stronger pull?

I hope you’ll commiserate with me.

We both know this boy so well. We know his weird habits and his die-hard opinions and we love him for every strange tidbit and “flaw.” When he doesn’t want to sit anywhere but on the end at the movie theater because he gets anxious about disturbing other people if he has to go to the bathroom, or when he wears those horrible plaid pants he loves, you and I can both roll our eyes and smile and love this hilarious, ridiculous, great person.

I’m just learning about these quirks, but to you? They’re old hat. Don’t judge me for not immediately getting it. (I’m really scared you will!) Let me into your inside jokes. Be my ally. Woman to woman, let’s erase the idea that there needs to be competition between us. Let’s see this as an exciting avenue for letting a new friend into the fold.

He loves you. He loves me. Now, I want us to love each other.