Kara Nesvig

To be honest, working retail has ruined Christmas music for me forever – with the exception of Nat King Cole, George Strait’s “Merry Christmas Strait to You” (I just love puns) and “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton.

Not just any boyfriend, Santa. I want a boyfriend who will drive me 15 miles to a specific grocery store so I can buy my favorite brand of white cheddar popcorn, then not be disgusted when I eat the whole bag in one sitting.

A color that’s appropriate for work: Essie Ballet Slippers works for a bride AND at a conservative office.

Do you plan on spending $78 on a dress you’re going to wear to watch “House Hunters” in while drinking wine with your cat?

Get used to your hair texture. You really can’t change it, and chances are someone out there is super jealous of it.

High heels and escalators.

I wake up with a hot knife searing my jaw apart.

Wake up, Dorothy. We’re not in junior high anymore.

I LOVE country music. I think people who count out an entire genre of music are stupid; why would you discredit something you’ve never fully listened to?

“I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star.”

But sometimes, I just want to be alone, Margot Tenenbaum-style.

Jenna blamed it on jet lag, but there’s something more serious going on with her.

You brag about Bob Dylan having lived in Dinkytown…

I think Rita Hayworth would pick Viva Glam I if she were alive today; it’s vampy and glamorous.

I hope I’m not a horror story! I’ve never screamed or bled or anything! I hope my vagina is just a faceless, run-of-the-mill normal vagina.

I’m the ex-girlfriend who hopes my former loves walk past a girl on the street wearing my perfume and get a shotgun blast to the heart.

In this day and age where everyone’s scrambling to compare girls in their twenties to Lena Dunham and writing insipid essays about “millennials,” you might need a little foundation to keep you from losing your shit. No, literally: foundation.

Then I thought, A-ha! I can hide behind different “looks” and see what kind of response I get from men.