The Inner Monologue Of A Helpless Girl At The Grocery Store

Groceries! FINALLY. Bread and butter were getting so old.

Plus, the preservatives really don’t suit my skin goals. Sure, it’s a quick and easy snack but nothing quick and easy is worth having in life except childbirth, shopping lines, DMV lines, any lines, blow jobs, gynecologist appointments, Xfinity customer service phone calls, cleaning the house, plane flights, acne phases, waiting lists, lessons learned, root canals, traffic, finding the right concealer for your skin tone, losing weight, learning to play an instrument, learning algebra, saving money, teaching your parents how to use technology, cooking, a work day, a work out, sending a breakup text, meeting the love of your life, and finding the right Instagram filter.

Still, the best things in life come with hard work, time and persistence. Or so I read in a book once. Or maybe it was a magazine. Actually, I think my dad told me that. Or maybe my friend and I just laughed about how it’s absolutely not true at all.

Anyway, sandwiches. No! I’m not going to buy any groceries to make a sandwich. I’m so tired of bread. It’ basically soul-raped me over the last week. Okay, I’m only going to grab a small cart though because carrying groceries for three blocks back to my house is just not something I want for myself on my day off.

Let me see what’s on my shopping list:

1. Wine
2. Ice cream sandwiches
3. get more good stuff.

…I didn’t realize I’d put so much thought into this list. Well, I’m obviously going to start in the produce section because I am evolved and conscious about heart attacks, cancer, and pooping.

Hmmm, carrots…no. Wait, with hummus they don’t taste like a death threat. Carrots and hummus def get points for being quick and easy. Plus, hummus is just a fancy way of eating beans and beans contribute to pooping. Right? No? Whatever. I’m getting some. I’ll take one bag of baby carrots and four cases of hummus. Wait, that’s expensive. Okay, just three cases.

Kale. Yes, I definitely need to cleanse this bod. Summer is just right around a six-month corner and my waist trainer is broken.

Zucchinis… hmm, I don’t have room. Pass. Tomatoes go on sandwiches so pass on those, too. Celery. Hmm, what could I do with celery? Oh that’s right, nothing. Asparagus. Yeah, it’s good but I can’t smell like cooked asparagus because I have a boyfriend and that’s basic girlfriend 101. So no. Spinach: kale’s trendy cousin. I already have kale so, everything in moderation, right? Okay, off to a good start!

Apples. Hmm… well they look good in that glass bowl on the kitchen counter. I’ll take six; organic only though. My bod is a temple and I wont have pesticides poisoning me. Mangos! I love mangos! But lord they are kind of a sloppy struggle to get the skin off. Oranges, same. Pears, gross. Okay it’s cold over here. Let’s move on.

Hmm, cheese sounds good but it makes me gassy, so no. Yogurt. Okay, why would anyone buy yogurt when the calories in ice cream are the same? That’s just math and hard logic.

Almond milk. Yes because you are trendy and low in cals and the carton looks chic in my refrigerator. Eight cartons. Mmmm, the cereal aisle is the beeeeest aisle. I imagine this is what my pantry will look like when I’m rich and famous: just all the cereals. I deserve it.

Coffee aisle, I’m fully stocked at home but the smell is Godly. I must walk down it at least once. Note to self: get Starbucks on the way out. Do I still have that gift card from last year?

Okay, pasta and rice involve a stove so no. It’s 2016. The feminist movement is in full force and I’m not a kitchen slave. I am young and free and the cafe around the corner makes really good food anyway. I really need a rice cooker though. Note to self: send mom Christmas List nine months early. Mac & cheese… hmm, would a rice cooker cook this cheesy goodness? Unclear. I should Google that later.

Did I leave my hair straightener on?

Rice cakes, YES! What a staple! All of the crunch, none of the tears. Sixteen bags. Trail mix, talk about a balanced meal! Yes. Three bags. Tortilla chips, yes. Potato chips, yes. Cheetos, yes. NO! Someone bitch-slap me out of this middle-America mindset! Diabetes already runs in my family and heart disease is not chic. It would get in the way of my traveling goals. That was close. Keep moving.

Jesus Christ, it’s freezing in here! Frozen food aisle, so we meet again and still you are so cold towards me. You don’t support my small, chic wardrobe and that’s your loss. This skirt is a bit short though. I’m not a slut. But who knows. That creeper, a rapist probably, staring at me by the frozen dinners definitely thinks so. He looks like he watches Justin Bieber Youtube videos on the daily.

Okay, focus so you can ditch this deadbeat. Tatter tots, that’s a no-brainer. Chicken nuggets, you’re my protein dream. Frozen veggies, a must for Asian night! Oh that reminds me, where is the instant rice? You know, the microwave kind? Where? Ice cream sandos, swipe right. I think I’m just going to open the box and tear off a piece… I mean I’m going to buy them anyway… No, I can wait another ten minutes. Chill. But not in this aisle! Your limbs are losing circulation! Move, soldier!

Canned food aisle, I’m finally home! I won’t freeze or starve to death after all! Okay, soup! Yes, I’ll need like three cans to last me about three days, until I return and try this disaster that is grocery shopping again.

Baking ingredients. Deli meats. Spices. Haha, get real. TP? Yes, always in demand. Ok seriously where is the wine? No, the cheap wine with a pretty label… where are you? WHERE? Oh hi. Okay, just one bottle for now, but stay cute, you pinots.

Okay, I think I’m done. Oh gum! Yes I’ll take all of the Trident Layers, thanks. Ohmigod lady, your hair is a disaster, a true misfortune. Does Dateline know about you? Like it’s literally hurting my eyes. Where are my Ray Bans?

Sorry what were you saying? Just two paper bags please. Anything that doesn’t fit I don’t want. Credit, credit, credit. Wow, grocery shopping is always so empowering. Zeus who? Now where are those ice cream sandwiches? I’m out.