Everything I Know About Star Wars, Having Never Watched It

First there is Luke Skywalker, some young comer about to be a hero, but he fucks up when he finds Big Foot and invites him along for the journey. Big Foot has low self-esteem because his name implies he is a monster, so the crew gets together and tries to come up with a name Kanye would approve of. Perhaps they were low on time or hung-over, but the best they came up with was Chewbaka. Chewbaka then becomes even more of a joke within the community because his new name is rubbish. Not to mention, Chewbaka’s mating call annoys everyone within a 35,000 foot radius, which is a problem because they Netflix & chill in space ships.

Then Princess Leia, a rumored mega-babe, but I’ve seen photos and no, dons Cinnabons as a hairstyle because her main mission in life is to become a trendsetter and walk the carpets at the Met Ball Gala. Someone should tell her to update her gown though; because word around the fashion lords is that she resembles Cinderella: pre-princess.

Glow sticks are the weapons of choice between characters. Apparently they make an incredible swoosh sound when you wave them through the air. Think if a basketball, a sword and neon had a sexual night after some overprice craft cocktails and made a baby.

Han solo is the Brad Pitt of the film, a long-time hero but aging and therefore losing his rank as heartthrob or as anyone worth having a conversation with. He needs a walker or cane but no one wants to insult him so he just slyly uses his glow stick to help him get around.

Darth Vader seems to really have his shit together. It seems he started the all-black trend, which deserves a round of applause or at the least, a bow of respect. Not to mention, a slick cape and stealth headgear. He is the real deal. Folks like Daf Punk have been mimicking his look for years. Swoon.

Basically they’re all stressed out about a light and dark side. First of all, we all know dark lighting is more flattering. So that’s one major fact they are bypassing. But whichever side wins is a big deal because then they are stuck with that lighting FOREVER. There is no going back, editing, deleting, nothing. Folks are upset about this because 2016 is supposed to be the year of the grand-slam selfie.

So-n-so is someone’s father and someone else is someone’s brother. Clearly there is some Duck Dynasty kind of inbreeding going on but they all seem to be cool with it. Maybe that is secretly where Chewbaka came from? He is the flower child of some weird mating situations. It’s a scandal they are trying to keep covered up but that Leia likes to gossip so my money says that it comes out during the press tours.