Update On Kara

My body has been tensing up all day probably because of the Concerta, which is interesting, because this is what some people take everyday. I wonder if I got a higher dosage or if I’m just imagining it all. I’m sure someone could give me a placebo for anything and I would just cling to the first thing my imagination produced, based on my pre-conceived notion of the drug.

My neck, in particular, it feels like muscles are squeezing together, I’ve been stopping to stretch like a snake.

Yoga is very disciplined cat behavior. A rigid environment of people, all collected in the same place to stretch out like a cat. I could use the social aspect of a yoga class, probably. You know what? Fuck yoga, I need to go to tap dancing lessons or some shit, turn it into something magic.

I don’t know when to put another paragraph, if it were me, each line would be a separate paragraph, I was going to submit this unedited.

Lizards, I just thought of, been thinking about evolution a lot, I guess, just because insects, fish, reptiles, they’re all very fucked up miniature brains. Little dinosaurs and birds.

Insects, I never really “got” them as a kid. My friends would all be playing with them and I’d touch them or whatever, I didn’t really care, I wasn’t stoked on them, I was pretty indifferent. Now I see insects and they’re as valuable as sweet precious little diamonds to me. They’re so intricate, strong, metallic rainbow-colored. The hybrid insect-robots make me crazy.

You know what “insects” kind of sounds like? “Incest.” I wish I’d never heard of incest. I feel like when I hear about things existing, I become a filter for it, it gets embedded in my circuitry, like Oedipus and Freudian theories, and I imagine what it would be like to have to deal with that, like as an actor maybe, but I also get paranoid too a little, subconsciously, or at least I used to. Like I remember when I was a kid, watching news, family glued to TV, I heard “rape” and I asked my parents what “rape” meant and they told me. The girl on the news had been raped my her father though, so at a young age and in my personal experience, I didn’t understand why that would ever happen. I thought, “Oh if this girl’s father just decided to rape her one day, what is preventing my father from deciding to rape me one day?” Not that he ever exhibited any rapey characteristics. I concealed this fear for years, locking my door every night, and finally I told my mom that it was something I wondered about and she laughed and said, “Oh honeyyy, you know he would never do something like that.”

I really wonder about genetics now. I wonder about human behavior and loyalty and all of these territorial, survival things going on silently beneath the surface. There are some interesting examples in nature… organisms that react to resource management and territory in their own ways. For example, mouse populations act differently when their numbers increase and their resources begin growing scarce. They become “anti-social” and cannibalistic, in some cases. Then there is a species of something, I forget what it is… whether it is an insect or a mammal… but it knows when to have abortions. Self-induced abortions when the environment is not right. What a miracle!!!

I guess that’s it for now.