Detroit Has Whole Foods Now, Is Where 20-Somethings Can Move To Stop Complaining

Everybody, this just in: the new Whole Foods in downtown Detroit has just opened– they’re not as poor as they’re pretending to be. Last time I went to Detroit I was like “What the fuck is this? White hipsters? There have never been any white hipsters in Detroit.”

Remember when Johnny Knoxville made that documentary? I think that was a joke, or a bet or something, to try to get hipsters to move to Detroit and it’s actually working. Or maybe the crime rate has gone down a lot. Property is so cheap, it’s a fucking free for all. Here’s some advice for all of the post-graduates who “don’t know what they’re doing with their lives,” why don’t you move to Detroit and buy a Victorian mansion for five hundred dollars? Actually, why don’t you buy Emininem’s childhood home that could be selling for as low as a dollar.

Detroit may have just went “bankrupt” this summer but they’ve been bankrupt for like two decades. September 4th actually marks the 10th anniversary of the Manoogian Party Rumour, which, in my mind, is the perfect social manifestation of Detroit’s descent. Is everyone familiar with this crazy party? Because you should be.

Kwame Kilpatrick was the craziest fucking dude. He was 27 when he became mayor. (27!!!) He would just fuck around all damn day (I mean, wouldn’t you if you were the mayor at this age?) He was notorious for blowing taxpayer’s money on lavish personal expenses, with his Bonnie-Parker-style mistress, Christine Beaty. At the mayor’s mansion in 2003, a stripper named Strawberry, aka Tamara Greene, was mysteriously assassinated in the driveway. But you know, strippers aren’t real human beings, so no one has to investigate it.

Growing up listening to Detroit News everyday was a massive fucking bummer. Rape, robbery, murder 24/7. People set houses on fire all the time, as it were a normal hobby. Who can blame them? Crappy abandoned house were so abundant and it’s not like anyone could afford going to the movies.

Let me explain what it’s like going back to Detroit for fun now:

“I’m hungry, what do you want to do?”

“Spicy sesame cauliflower here we cuummmm!”

There are bougie coffee places like Great Lakes Coffee Co. popping up there too. Last time I was in midtown I got overpriced banh mi, third-wave espresso, cocoa nib chocolate, and kombucha- which is insane because you can hardly find that shit in Canada–and then on my way to the café’s gender-neutral washroom, I started chatting with an elderly black man about cathedral architecture. Amazing!

When I left the café and started walking down Woodward, this old guy in a wheelchair, lookin’ all super dehydrated and tired, rolls up slowly and asks for change.

I was like, “Oof, if I had it I would give it to you.”

He said, “My granddaughters are hungry.”

I said I was sorry and then he started talking about how his “dumbass son” just got a seven-year sentence for selling dope, and I told him that his granddaughters were probably lucky to have him. Within like ten minutes, seven different people asked me for change. So sure, things in Detroit are still pretty “rough” but that doesn’t mean you’re going to get shot in the face if you step outside.

Moral of the story: there’s a Whole Foods in Detroit now, and property is really fucking cheap, so maybe some of you “20-somethings” should move out there and buy some people some groceries and stop complaining about your conflict-less lives. Whole Foods aims to integrate with the neighborhood by offering low-income values, which is awesome. If that turns out to be bullshit, maybe at least their dumpster will be easily accessible. In addition to a big ass health food store opening, there are also plans to build a train system to bring people up and down Woodward, circuiting around two major universities… Why am I here right now? The scenery is so beautiful too! The Detroit River, Lake Eerie, Boblo Island… *siiiiiiiiiiigh*