What Your Clothes Actually Say About You

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1. Baseball Cap

I haven’t washed my hair in a week.

2. Tights

I haven’t shaved my legs in a month.

3. Hockey Jersey

I haven’t eaten a vegetable in a decade.

4. Fedora

I haven’t said anything interesting in my life.

5. Crocs

I’m willing to talk about why sandals should be antimicrobial.

6. Flip Flops

I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT MY FEET. LOOK AT THEM!

7. KONY 2012 T-Shirt

I have a limited grasp of current events.

8. Livestrong Bracelet

I have no grasp of current events.

9. College Sweatshirt

I am from the Midwest.

10. Mesh Shirt

I have never even heard of the Midwest.

11. Threadless T-Shirt

I have an OkCupid profile, and I respond to messages “often.”

12. Rolling Stones T-Shirt

I own a record player, and I don’t know how to use it.

13. Black Plastic-Rimmed Glasses

My eyesight is fine.

14. Pink Polo Shirt

My eyesight is highly impaired.

15. Ascot

I’m Chuck Bass.

16. Fingerless Gloves

I’m Kid Vid from the Burger King Kids Club.

17. Spirit Hood

I own a $400 vaporizer.

18. Jeggings

I own a Snuggie.

19. Cargo Pants

I’m packing Blow Pops.

20. No Pants

I’m happy.